What’s it/this all about? Are we here/there yet?


Making plans the outcomes of which we’re truly unaware in spite of our best intentions. Well that’s how it’s usually been for me and I’ve learned to fly by the seat of my pants, going with the flow as the sayings go.


I step out my door, with the only intent being kitchen-style bridge with fellow seniors at the local community centre. Two hours later, I’m in the mood for a stroll and being hungry a favoured spot for a ‘kalbi’ taco.


Along the way, I stroll facing traffic, I happened upon a much more senior fellow crossing the street. The changing traffic signal isn’t programmed for the likes of him, an octogenarian with many more years added and those lined up in traffic are not amused. It was incumbent on me to give assistance, so I signalled with my hand and the streetcar and car alongside were decent enough, and allowed us to make our way to the sidewalk before going along their merry way.


We have never met, much less being aware of each other before literally crossing paths. He’s an ancient Asian and I, a senior multi-national Caribbean born.
I have seen the transition from propeller to jet-engine aircraft. I cannot imagine the transitions in technologies he’s experienced! But, that’s is the nature of things that I wish our language disparity and cultures could bridge, allowing us share how our journey has been along our way.


During my earlier years, after emigrating to this country, I have had the pleasure of many exchanges with strangers, quite often fellow immigrants, mostly eastern Europeans. They disclosed, while I learned and broadened my horizons, oddly enough lightening the load I unconsciously carried. I learned people the world over held a history whose content and context, not only held similarities but also beneficial contributions going forward in Life.


No need to compete, but listen and collaborate, and evolve into the human beings we’re meant to become. The way I’ve learn, anyway …




6. Growing Still


W – O – W




In continuing with my observations reflecting on the quantum ‘Butterfly Effect’, I offer this: personal intercept, with benefits I have yet to ascertain.


Three years prior to 1983 I met a woman towards whom I was enamoured; and, subsequently, and unexpectedly proposed marriage. During that phase of my life, I was quite the energetic, carefree, hyperactive individual unaware of my personal deficiencies which had affected previous liaisons, this betrothal included. This marriage was brief, to say the least, as we separated after three-months.


It is said, we learn through experience, but I had much to learn looking upon past decades.


Our separation spanned three years, by law then; and, by October 31st 1986, our divorce was finalized. It was during our separation that I had opportunities for healing intimacies. During those experiences I discovered women who exhibited sincere marriage characteristics more so than my matrimonial choice. It became evident that I was in an ongoing phase of learning, discovering the deficiencies of my interpersonal relationship reservoir/vocabulary. Through my early twenties I was engaged in superficial experiences biased by others impressions to which I was simply a responder. It was not until decades later that it became clear to me, including what others meant when they told me, “I was not the marrying kind!”


Many had exclaimed this to my face, and I denied that exclamation. I could not even imagine what was being said in my absence. Little did I know, or realize, or anyone else for that matter, that all of us were correct but for different reasons.


During my formative years, I had scant nurturing in the fundamentals of family settings. Acclimating to afforded limited family opportunities, I usually chose to be alone, to go ‘walkabout’ and commune with Nature. By so choosing, I acquired minimal interpersonal relationship experiences when they were served up. My younger sibling was more exposed to such opportunities and was able to garner nurturing that afforded her more of those interpersonal relationship skillsets.


Communing with Nature was a path I had chosen allowing me to survive as per gender expectations, then and now, according to the societal infrastructure of that era.


We are all afforded choices through multi-layered biases, whereby we sink or swim accorded through decisions made. Our accompanying socialization skillsets taken for granted, whether on instinct/intuition and/or modified by Providence, our way forward is actuated with behaviour patterns beneficial and deficient.


I have observed most everything untoward occurring in your life, with collateral rippling effects thus far, into this year. Hope springs eternal, not necessarily as ‘the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind’, but because my recall is comprehensive to a fault making me acutely aware of when/how my life went off the rails. More accurately, how I am where I am, via the nurture-nature construct of my being.


By design, I truly am ‘not the marrying kind’; unless, by some miracle a quantum shift unfolds.




12c. On Frederick



It appears the ‘digital age’ has provided humankind with more than many unintended consequences deemed essential during the many mechanistic developments. In the process there was the loss of human connectivity, all the while promising quick ’n easy connectivity and improved living conditions.


Technological advancement without mature human spiritual functioning to sensibly balance the user operations intended.


Agree or disagree, look around, reflect and contemplate your navel!


Unless your mind has already fallen victim to its viral infection of convenience, you will find more than enough examples within your own life peculiarities to admonish much in our living conditions! I leave the findings to your particular predilections.





Connected Disconnect






I’ve been afforded a luxury in Time to discover there’s a tricky process learning ‘how to’ put oneself first, without being arrogant and/or egocentric. It’s been my practice to always ‘wait and see’ when I could safely move forward, make the right choice that satisfies everyone involved. I have done this often without drawing attention to myself, which facilitated requests I felt duty-bound to acknowledge providing desired services to others. Simultaneously, I hoped my needs were included in my actions. I have concluded this behaviour a result of a female-dominated childhood, acquiescing and being passive aggressive.


Now in the enviable position called ‘retirement’, allowing time to decipher the dilemma of how to take care of me in spite of intercepts I allowed throughout the prior decades in my life, the process is proving long and arduous. The unexpected and unintended land-mines, pitfalls challenging anything that resembles progress, affects my daily attempt to align any discovered influences going forward. Unusual malignancies through ignorance, naïveté, miscalculations and socially projected ailments contribute negatively to the content and context within my environment.


Through this, I have noted those who claim to care about the well being of humankind are prey distracting from others their good fortune. They do nothing to support their offered good intentions, and I wonder about the way things have become in Life, the Way Life Balances Itself going forward. You may not have acknowledged the Lessons of History, understood the meaning expressed in the quote, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”; well then, comprehensive observations to awaken will be lost to your mentality, your style of thinking.


Where do you go when you fall into sleep at night?








If the Nature of the Game is to Win? Is it not then the Nature of Living to Die?
I have repeatedly experienced choosing ‘not to win’, recently realizing I chose to let live my adversary!


Question is then, what happened to me as a result of that choosing? I surmise, in making my choice, I passed on an imminent victory here to let other wins that is occurring on levels far above and below what my consciousness is allowed to know.


As with those who are tired of living, but afraid of dying: what do you choose to do when such emotions align? Are they recognized and acknowledged while going about your daily affairs?









The cellular notifies an incoming call/text and our body reacts regardless of actions taken, or not. Still, our autonomic responses have been reconfigured in accordance to devices created through innovations to improve human living conditions. Quite the paradox, ironic isn’t it?


Keeping the above mentioned in mind, how many of us victimized by various media hyping be they advertisings – public service announcements -and/or- political admonitions, realize how the statement, “Don’t let others determine how you’re to behave” misleads thinking of isolated self-determination? I mean, do we really comprehend our internal goings on?


Some of us are more aware of these goings on, but not always on every occasion in fluid circumstances occurring. Eventually, we face the prompted signals and act according to our unique conditionings benefitting accordingly which may be derided by those around who are bent on superiority biased positioning.


Where do we learn how to manage our responses, and benefit without the assault of our environment, human and otherwise?


I look back on my development, only to discover the deficits which I was able to unconsciously use to certain levels of benefit to the envy and jealous actions of others. Many of us consciously develop skillsets in determined ways, while many of others augment skills of Divine Design – Luck – DNA, unconsciously processing through survival modalities capitalizing on these developments as we go/grow.


Granted, there are observers who could assist in our growing but choose not to through fearful beliefs of losing what we gain, the inaccuracies of their mindsets. Thus, our underdevelopment diminishes in contribution to the Human Diaspora because of envy and jealousy, fear and greed: the ongoing dilemma in the human conditioning.


I have determined many such losses that would have created a domino-effect of benefits; nonetheless, Fortune allowed gains in spite of those negative onlookers.
Fascinating how fear motivates in our impediment, all the while Nature patiently imparts ways toward correction and watches our determined ignorance path.


Still, some of us accept Nature’s offerings as much as we are cognizant, doing the best we are able for as long as we’re above ground. If you have read this far, and are open of mind, may I suggest a retrospective on how arriving to this Present may offer you the benefit of a clearer path moving forward? Possibly, providing a domino-effect that is beneficial to our Human Diaspora?


Is this what Shakespeare had in mind?











When it comes to L O V E, many of us have experienced tales of woe, while many will regale with tales of triumph. I have been accused of the latter from a distance, which includes the rumour-mill, none speaking from direct experience save biased observance. I have never spoken of conquest, as some have interpreted my enthusiasm to be such. My construct of Love was fostered through cinematic scripting, ever having seen ‘love’ in the ordinary sense. Thus, I was framed to see and pursue to acquire-a-love not dissimilar to what was imprinted, which faded as the end credits.


My comprehension was without analysis, deconstruction, which action would destroy my fantasy upon observation, reflection and/or contemplation, if you will. Throughout my living, outside of family, loving – being loved – being in love – losing love were processes reflected onscreen and transferred onto interactions. Oddly enough, there were no shortage of participants which made concrete the various settings for love. Life flowed on, and none of us were the wiser, being in need for the closeness offered and acquired.


Of course, you have the many types of Love, accorded the previewed scripts and the willing requisite partners involved. There were unconscious components of which those involved contributed according to their biases and needs. Therein lies the rub, coming in alone from having only a visual-scripted experience, the ‘romantic’ scripted love satiated for a time while we lived our lives, going along our merry way to our undoing.


Noting the unfortunate/sad, Fact-of-Life without scrutiny, save misinformed and misinterpreted biases from pre-conceived and ill-advised diagnoses. I look back on the loves I’ve lost, all that were supposed to be ‘the one’. All were sabotaged through the flawed ‘scripts’ that escaped my childlike mentality that underscored my quests during later years. Life was comprehensive and in this part I failed.


I have learned much from great losses, and bid you kindness going forward. Adieu, until/should we – meet – again …





In Time…


B L I G H T  /  P L I G H T



Carl A. Hansberry, Chicago Businessman of the 30’s, after decades of attempting to assist in the improvement of African-Americans/battling Segregation, settled on relocating in Mexico where it is believed he died, having succumbed to health issues from the ravages of a life of disappointment seeking equity for people of his ethnicity.


His daughter, Lorraine Hansberry, took up his torch with a slight modification in how she would carry it. She chose Journalism and Writing, albeit without ever completing her college education having found a cause.


She establish herself as a writer, and with an acclaimed novel, ‘A Raisin In The Sun’, influence the social fabric of her time. Her play received wide acclaim and eventually played on Broadway, winning numerous awards depicting the African-American experience. It was a text I studied in high school but, without having a conscious context, it was just an intellectual and emotional exercise. Little did I realize it foretold of what I was to face emigrating to North America in the 1960s.


Succeeding in acquiring a university education, I began to learn about being-of-colour in a white power biased society. Oddly enough, this power biased base was hierarchical favouring a top tier to which all ethnicities appear to believe is within their grasp. Fortune favours the brave, with unknowns discovered as attachments after the fact, few surviving the journey and remain to be active, equal partners.


The saga continues with a two-step forward three-steps back given inadequacies inherent to a fish out of water.




Rickey Smiley OFP


T R U S T 

We all have this intrinsic quality, never expecting but having to learn Its loss at some point during our living experience. Here is an example, outside my living experience, which I comprehend and empathize. It incorporates the ‘long game’ played out at the outset of Bo Jackson’s college career path. The tale exemplifies the goings on in the global arena, which plays each us according to our biases and gives rise to the ‘win/lose’ dichotomy that satisfies illusions/delusions of grandeur.


This dichotomy is supported by, if not supports, ‘Pride’ and Its ‘Sinful Siblings’.


The specifics of his tale involved an invitation deliberately misleading , costing him his desired draft-status in the sport he preferred. One institution desired he play in their preferred sport to greatly insure the probability of a championship. They deliberately misinformed him to his chagrin, the result angering him and drastically changing his future. Not unlike what has occurred in many who’re considered lost causes and failed potentials.


It is beyond the comprehension of many to believe that what they were told was only to tailor their decisions to benefit an insincere source. The decisions made were biased on given information predisposing them to be placed in a position to benefit a trusted source feigning their best interest, but in truth were biased on nothing but lies.


Out of the gate, into this Life, opting for Trust is a given one best not expect a safe and stable journey going forward.




Behind the Drywall

Making Do …


L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G   about   L-O-V-I-N-G ?


Having entered adulthood four years earlier, I then began exploring the world of sexual intimacy. Early in, I discovered I had the capacity to influence the desired mind by selling myself to accommodate intimate desires. Upon realizing this I made the decision of never intentionally exercising that ability again. I have no regrets making that choice. It did cost me opportunities for intimacies, including being repeatedly, and prematurely, accused of philandering fuelled by jealous projections of onlookers who claimed ‘friendship’.


Little did they know, or care to know, that what motivated me was exposure to Hollywood love-scripting. Movies I had ingested, unfiltered without parental guidance similar to many of our world’s walking wounded. Each woman I met was ‘the one’, to my mind. Unfortunately, I was to face the reality that followed. The one that I desired did not contain expected ‘scripted’ behaviours.


Regardless of my choice for a life-mate, my early-childhood deficiencies keeps percolating beneath my consciousness what has to be recognized and acknowledged before any permanent, possible staying power, might be actualized.


Try as I might, those underdeveloped minutia from my past kept sabotaging early efforts, requiring redressing in order to engage in a successful pairing. Of course, this means ongoing deep-diving into subconscious waters without direction or guidance. Growth using grooming lessons from my first 7yrs of life.

The challenge continues, building brick-by-brick whatever was to contribute to my survival into the present. This learning continues still…




2b. Setling In c.'65

%d bloggers like this: