Giving-Up on ‘Love’


Without getting into the quagmire of defining LOVE, I’ll delve into it and trust in your ability to determine the various aspects to which I’m referring. Still, rest assured I am referring to them all, according to my experiences and observations, and/or as some would say, lack thereof.


There’s a song of long ago which covers the sensation in the words, “I’ll say good-bye to love” but I prefer ‘giving-up on love’ that I feel is more to the point. Question is, what is ‘Love’? How is it qualified and/or quantified, or do these questions really matter? I mean, are they simply a way of buying time to get into position with oneself in a protective manner?


There’s also the quote, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”. Now, what does that really mean and for whom is it better, the person speaking or listening, if one can hear under the circumstances? As in everything, context is key! Where/how is ‘Love’ in your life?


Flies in the ointment. There is the non-romantic view that Love is simply a chemical reaction in the body from a set of neurological activities, which is a kind of bonding experience, usually for the survival of our specie or any species for that matter! But, I am want to wonder as I wander through this Life experiencing and observing this phenomena.



1a. James Early Phase '49



Let’s go back to the first connection, that of the one automatically set up between mother (parent) and child, and its subsequent nurturing. Is this where the concept is constructed? And, what if it never takes hold, is this where aberrations develop in the myriad of forms society calls illnesses? An interesting premise, if one cares to follow the trails from this early ‘lack-of-connecting’! What illnesses are formulated after this missed-connection, the ability to easily disconnect? I am just wondering considering the other opportunities to make a connection, since I believe connecting is essential in not only the survival of the specie, but also the survival of the individual!


Let’s say, for some particular reason this first connection doesn’t hold, or partially holds, and the individual is forced to develop survival mechanisms to re-establish this connect through early childhood diseases? Herein lies possibilities for ‘bonding’ connections of sorts. Getting through these phases is crucial but not necessarily a fulfillment, because Life offers other bonding developments as it appears there is more than one aspect of this ‘loving’ that one is to experience throughout Life in order to fulfill one’s destinies? Any past recollections?


What I recall are varied, but early in Life a few experiences stand out as emotional muggings for which I developed a way to not expect consistency, and how to look at occurrences as cause and effect, a reasoning skill set. I marvelled upon meeting people who lived in the same house throughout childhood, as well as the same family connections. I was never made to feel unwelcome, just never an occurring experience until later in adulthood; and, by then anything more than two-years a feeling of restlessness surfaced as anxiety and such. There were areas I chose not to experience as uncertainty was inherently felt.



5. About 1yr Later



I cultivated this uncertainty quite naturally in early childhood not only through our transient lifestyle, but also through Life offerings that both excited and deadened me within. The one which stayed with me the longest occurred repeatedly from about age six until age thirteen. They involved the loss of pets, dogs and fish. I was never briefed on animal care, not that it may have made any difference. But, the fish deaths occurred until I figured out the light in the window produced heat, there was no air-conditioning afforded then, and the dogs were different stories altogether.


The first memory was going to bed late one night, in one of the different locations during our transient years. Black was tied off on the second landing, outside the door as dogs were not allowed inside the house. Upon waking the next morning, I was kept busy in departing so as not to delve into inquiring about his absence. It was revealed to me later that he had inadvertently hung himself in his attempt to fend off a would-be-intruder. The next three deaths occurred a few years later, one in the interim was simply sent elsewhere, I know not where.


During the year between twelve and thirteen, for some strange reason, I felt the need for a ‘pet’. It may have been that need to bond with other than myself and the environmental changes that were occurring. I required a constancy in the form of unquestioning devotion. Somewhere, somehow, I was able to procure a puppy at a new dwelling, just before the start of the school year. Fed and petted, I departed to school only to find him dead where I left him upon my return. Undaunted, I procured another to replace the sudden departure and repeated my previous actions, which I felt had no flaw. The result was the same and I lost something within.


I did not know that anyone noticed as it was my own personal drama. Somehow, my dad showed up with a pup from the police pound and instructed the household to monitor the pup while I was away at school. This made a difference. Still, it took quite a few days to expect Bruno to be there to greet me upon returning from school each day. As time passed, we became a team, we bonded and affections developed which was not to last. As Life would have it, this dwelling location was impermanent as the others. I departed the country altogether and Bruno had to be left behind and, subsequently, died in search of me, as I was told. People were entering and leaving my life throughout those years, but none had died, to my recollection. Not until years later, and therein lies other broken bonds which littered my path in Life.



9. Before Emigrating '62





At age thirteen I became another type of immigrant, this time geographic. It’s easy to smile, for there is a lot to smile about. No one truly appreciates a non-smiling individual for it’s a reminder of their preferred forgotten/submerged sorrows. So, where is Love in all this? Has been the impetus all along in keeping us alive and/or is It a symbiosis of sorts by which Life continues and we experience Life? Can we say good-bye to and/or give-up on ‘Love’? Or, are we so inextricably linked that to be born without the instinct for/to love we simply cease-to-exist? Are the so called Seven Deadly Sins a product of our disconnect to Love and loving?



We come and go in so many ways, and I fear both coming and going are connected to our connection-and-disconnection to this constant called ‘Love’, whether or not believed.






Did I stray? I hope not. I simply detoured from popular thinking to lead you on a journey toward your own recollections. I trust you have intermingled fond memories. Cheers…



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