What do you mean when you speak of ‘being in control’? Have you ever deciphered your intention each time you use that term?

Normally, when people speak of ‘control’ they are in fact speaking of ‘dominating’ given situations and, that being the interpretation, their statement may not be accurate. We may have dominance over goings on, but where is the ‘control’ that is meant? On what do we have control? This is where our behaviour may be at cross-purposes, in light of the losses we are moving to improve in our life-passage. Dominance of conditions and circumstances is varied, control is another act altogether.
Looking back along Life’s road I’ve noticed numerous occasions that could have been opportunities, relegated to not-too-simple learning experiences contributing to the unexpected career path in which I found myself for over two-decades. Added to this career path were females carrying me through phases that ushered me along the way my life flowed. Their number is substantial, weaving throughout my life and occupations. Some were engaging on more that one level; but, all in all, they were encounters biased in mutual ignorance. Not for the want of trying, but for the cause of misplaced Romanticism in our unrecognized biased worlds.

Not being told the realities, the true meaning of stereotyping and social dynamics relating to ethnicity/nationality/race, class/status and gender conditioning, we behaved reflexively believing we knew what we were truly doing.

Speaking for myself, I felt I was dropped unprepared into a soft milieu, left to sink or swim, or simply roll around so as not to smother myself. It is a wonder I survived as I did, and am, albeit alone without prospects, and uncertain about having and/or desiring any.

There is a list of noted situations where my life could have had a different outcome, notably more fortuitous upon realizing what was not in place or operational, and what was kept from me by those nearby for whatever reasonings. Analysis showed, often their reasons included envy and/or jealousy from ill-conceived perceptions, biases resulting from imaginings void of communication, dialogue and/or discussion. One aspect where I am led to take blame, if not share, is an unusual related aspect of appearance claimed I projected. Somewhat like Hollywood movie stars many love-to-hate for being famous. I have no fame of which I am aware, but I have been told I project a ‘presence’ which can be off-putting and/or intimidating. Arrogance, if one’s unfamiliar with my persona, and many even afterwards, twisting their knowledge to suit some disaffected imagining.


One experience I can cite occurred upon resuming my university education, after the designated one-year ruling for unsuccessfully completing my probationary first year. I extended it to two-years for a myriad of reasons, not the least being a lack-of-funding. I was solely responsible for my post-secondary studies, which was a process in itself. This was almost stifled at the onset of my second year, another story not altogether dissimilar to what I’m about to relate. However, this particular incident involved a fellow student who had a sibling working in the acting/modelling world.

In her perceptive eyes it appeared I had-a-look that was worth the Molly Petty Agency’s once over, and she recommended an appointment with her sister, an agent there, that they may decide if her observations of me as a prospect was indeed accurate.

This was to be my career path in the Fashion and Television industry, in 1972 Toronto. Oh, this is where I inform you that ‘the look’ was a combined appearance of the boxer Joe Lewis and the actor Sydney Poitier; and, being a winning martial artist with a height ranging six-feet one inch, I was an anomaly with potential. This potential was lost on me. Being in the industry and having many talents come and go, my ignorance did not occur to them.

Suffice to say, my appearance passed the muster and I was soon doing catalogue work, and the odd TV commercial. It was fast paced since my life involved school, martial arts training and competitions, as well as part-time employment wherever I was able to acquire them.

Fast-forward about two years amidst the flurry of activities about which I gave little thought, so long as I could pay-my-bills. It was then I was asked to sign with Constance Ford Agency in Chicago. This also meaning nothing to me and, being caught up in the discovery of my place in the bigotry/racism in Toronto, the antics of our neighbours to the south fine tuned my focus in securing my university education. Plus, without a mentor, or counsel to sort the social ramifications that time of life in Chicago, I declined their offer in favour of continuing on into third year university ever foregoing what might have been.

Being single-minded has its benefits, but so does the ability to make changes and accept opportunities that happens along. Yet, they are only opportunities if one has the wherewithal to perceive, along with the knowledge base, with which to grasp said opportunities. Along the Way, I acquired information on the import of that decision but, as usual, there was no going back. My pathway into other arenas beckoned according to my knowledge bias, and onward I went. Therein was my control.

I may appear self-destructive musing on losses of things past on which I had no control. A fact, or truism depending on your perspective. However, I contend control is fluid, not an end. More accurately, things could not have been otherwise. The world might have been a different place, and I might have been better or worse off than I am, where I am. Nevertheless, I am still dealing with biased perceptions and beliefs of others. At least, I am now aware of their existence/import, and to what degree I am to slalom them in this Life.



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