A Fear Thing? 

Lately, waking up to a feeling of dread, an undefined feeling of fear causing me great consternation. This morning, it became evident my recent long term condo experiences left an indelible mark on my psyche of which I am tasked with correcting. The affair took 14yrs to resolve, 7yrs before a back-fired incident caused actual attention to be given, and I am now suffering PTSD-like effects. I am unable to act on decisions desired to restore my condo unit to its previous comfortable condition.


Very similar to what you may have read, or heard, about people caught in long term situations then got themselves trapped in unusual behaviour patterns. Not unlike being bedridden for years and having to relearn how-to-walk, or being discharged from prison after years and being unwilling to accept the feeling of freedom. I am given what appears a new start, but am stalled-in-starting. I am in a state of arrested development when it comes to what was once an easy task, also appearing as much to others upon airing my goings on when asked.



What I want to do is replayed repeatedly in my thoughts, but I am afraid to act on these thoughts. I acknowledge my feelings and their reasons. I am afraid I will get what was experienced as “surprises” over the past 14yrs, the first 7yrs descending into constant conflicts with board members and managers, followed by reluctant efforts which resulted in trial-and-errors issues after it was accepted there was a real problem and correction that required a special assessment procedures. After waiting my turn, correction occurred over the last 2yrs of the 14yrs, during which time it was hoped I would renovate and go away, as other who had such options had done.


Here I stay, amidst recovering from the 14yrs ordeal not knowing when I will assert myself in my desired direction. Making the effort to reclaim not only the level of comfort in my living space, but also my level of comfort within. The rest of the world makes its effort to reclaim its prior levels of comfort taken for granted, as I too am making similar efforts with no guarantee of success.


Curious, how my goings on are mirrored similarly, albeit not identical, on the world stage. We are all in the same boat where collaboration is the key to which adequate resolutions abound, but is being ignored for delusional self-absorbed purposes. Their insane but acceptable to greedy intentions never fails to amaze. I shall continue in my efforts awaiting my eventual restoration, trusting the same occurs in due time in the larger sphere. Time will tell if a balance, inside as well as out, will occur.



1c. Livingroom:Hall:Kitchen NE Corner


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