L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G   about   L-O-V-I-N-G ?

 

Having entered adulthood four years earlier, I then began exploring the world of sexual intimacy. Early in, I discovered I had the capacity to influence the desired mind by selling myself to accommodate intimate desires. Upon realizing this I made the decision of never intentionally exercising that ability again. I have no regrets making that choice. It did cost me opportunities for intimacies, including being repeatedly, and prematurely, accused of philandering fuelled by jealous projections of onlookers who claimed ‘friendship’.

 

Little did they know, or care to know, that what motivated me was exposure to Hollywood love-scripting. Movies I had ingested, unfiltered without parental guidance similar to many of our world’s walking wounded. Each woman I met was ‘the one’, to my mind. Unfortunately, I was to face the reality that followed. The one that I desired did not contain expected ‘scripted’ behaviours.

 

Regardless of my choice for a life-mate, my early-childhood deficiencies keeps percolating beneath my consciousness what has to be recognized and acknowledged before any permanent, possible staying power, might be actualized.

 

Try as I might, those underdeveloped minutia from my past kept sabotaging early efforts, requiring redressing in order to engage in a successful pairing. Of course, this means ongoing deep-diving into subconscious waters without direction or guidance. Growth using grooming lessons from my first 7yrs of life.

 
The challenge continues, building brick-by-brick whatever was to contribute to my survival into the present. This learning continues still…

 

 

 

2b. Setling In c.'65

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UPON   REMEMBERING

 

I was in elementary school in Jamaica when it was announced that there was a catastrophic rail accident on the railway line. Unbeknownst to me, my grandfather was an employee which would have been quite the emotional situation being a child of 10. My first, “Do you remember where you were when?”

 

A year after emigrating to Canada, seated in my grade nine History class, I was to hear news of the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. An uproar with little resonance afforded me by my especial knowledge of world history, as was the Korean conflict and Cuban Missile Crisis. My 2nd memory under said question!

 

My knowledge of Civil Rights dilemmas invaded my psyche and remained ever since, on varying levels of intensity, for which there appears to be little chance of evolutionary movement.

 

While transiting high school into university the escalating Vietnam conflict took place, along with the Iran-Contra and Watergate affairs, as well as the notorious campus shooting at Berkeley.

 

There were other notable incidents and I’ll not add to what appears to be a considerable disturbing List, but I’ll add just two more…

 

January 2001, in the midst of introducing a grade 11 Art lesson, I was summoned to the Main Office to take a personal, pre-cellular call. This call was to inform me of the imminent passing of my father and my presence was required. The thought that emerged within my consciousness upon departure to be with my father was, “This feels like the beginning of a most unfortunate year”. Nine months later, during yet another art lesson, came the events of September 11th.

 

There have been many more noteworthy occurrences tipping the scales toward our not too pleasant present. One being the United States of America electing its first African-American President, which was followed by the reflexive election of a divisive, biased, self-absorbed Commander-in-Chief determined to undoing anything that could be considered his predecessor’s ‘legacy’. This divisiveness duly noting the deep-rooted slavery heritage/foundation binding that country together in a unacknowledged symbiotic relationship.

 

Their inability to collaborate appears to present a well-crafted desire demanding culling of an out-of-control population, to result only in annihilation due to short-sightedness among even the best of them.

 

As the Cuban Missile Crisis had little to no consequence in my pubescent mind, the growing Global Crises, prodded by mindless contributions in the present, are less of a concern to underdeveloped minds. Simultaneously, as I in the corner my of ineffectiveness age out of this Time/Space Continuum, Life will continue as It did prior to my emergence, and will as such long after my exit/transmutation.

 

 

 

3c. Rim Walk

Routine Apprehensions

 

The functioning state of anxious readiness, being constantly on the go, always seeming to be settling in and seldom, if ever, settled. The route I’ve traversed over so many decades, in search of a place/space, many others seek: Home.

 

Home, not as seen by many as a structure built of brick and mortar, although for some it begins there. I speak of that sense of belonging many succumb to in wayward places, led astray by charlatans offering up false promises and battling to the death protecting the false belief.

 

Many never find it, while others compromise for the next best thing and suffer going forward hoping for a rescue scenario down the road. Most everyone has their own woeful tale held close to not give themselves away, all the while going in ill fated directions following misguided choices.

 

‘To sleep perchance to dream’; sleep, a condition I resisted the final 5yrs of my career into the present. Ageing out I get to musing now and again on the line, ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question’. I believe many interpret that opener a finality when the answer may contain a multitude of promises unimaginable to thought albeit not to sensations.

 

My question, bourn of the preceding; from here to where?

 

 

 

It s about time, pal - enjoy this memorable day, C

E L O Q U E N C E

18/01/2018

LEVITY

 

Can you recall a TV/movie quote which resonated, not for the masses but specific to you in that particular phase of Life you were experiencing? Below are a few I recently heard and referenced my previous Life, in a 20/20 perspective to reference, process and align accordingly, and learn from going forward. I have detailed, the best of my recollection, by whom and from where, to offer them for your acceptance, should you feel so inclined:

“Ambition is the last refuge of failure”- Oscar Wilde (Grissom / CSI)

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal” – Irish Headstone (Ducky / NCIS-S15/E2)

 

“Forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself”- Deacon (SWAT- S1/E8)

 

“God didn’t save your ass from drowning so S/he could kick you around on the beach”- Marjorie (Mom- S4/E2)

 

“It’s not the violence that sets men apart, it’s the distance they’re prepared to go. We control the fear, for without the fear we’re already dead”- Lawless (Tom Hardy)

 

“If you can’t fix what’s broken, you’ll go insane”- Mad Max (Tom Hardy)

 

“You see, but you do not observe”- Sherlock (S4/E1 – Benedict Cumberbach)

 

“In Saving my life, she conferred a value on it. It’s a currency I do not know how to spend”- Sherlock (S4/E2 – Benedict Cumberbach)

 

Sherlock, “It’s okay”.
Watson, “No, it’s not okay”.
Sherlock, “Yes, I know; but, it is what it is”.- (S4/E2)

 

Santino, “Tradition is the enemy of Progress”.
Winston, “And, here I was thinking it was the other way around”.
John Wick: Chapter 2 (Special Features- Deleted Scenes)

 

Now, if you allow yourself to be so bold as to assign any or all of these to specific areas of experience in your life, feel free to do so and go forward the better for it.

 

 

9c. Balcony Panorama '10

I N H E R I T A N C E

 

I left for school in the morning, leaving a wagging tail on bouncing legs only to find upon my return a lifeless corpse. Undaunted somehow, I acquired another pup with the same results. I would go to off to school in the morning and 5hrs later come home to a 2nd dead dog. I was now lost for reason, and whatever sets into a boy’s spirit after 4 such losses had set into mine as I lived from day-to-day.

 

Reprieve. Somehow, my estranged father saw fit to find me another pup, this one from the police kennels. He arrived with it one evening on his motorcycle, and gave it to me. He asked what name will I give it? Without hesitation I said, Bruno! Now, where this name came from I do not know as it had no relevance in my life, much less memory in literature or anything. Still, it was to be Bruno. One thing my father did upon departing was to instruct his parents, and anyone listening, to look after Bruno while I was at school. There was an older preferred/resident dog of my grandparents who may have been the culprit.

 

Needless to say, the first week of owning Bruno had its suspenseful periods. On my return from school every day, I held my breath in hopes of finding Bruno alive going through the front gates. True to form, Bruno would greet me upon arrival, the other resident dog called ‘Puppy’, as well. I progress in Time and was unaware of the bond developing between Bruno and I. Not even the implications around the notice given that I was to emigrate to another country.

 

Growing up on my own recognizance, temporality and transiency was the norm, and relocating on a small island prompted little concern for accompaniment of one’s possessions. But, to depart a country for a foreign land created a new reality for which I was unprepared. In time the bitter-sweetness of the notice would set into my 13yrs old consciousness.

 

Being separated from our mother was trauma/drama enough, but after what ensued, forming a bond that appeared rooted within my being only to have to uproot and leave it behind was as searing as the initial trauma/drama. There was a cauterizing of wounds was taking place, the initial doing the recent sealing in the in-betweens in the process.

 

Departure ensued, Life went on and what was incoming would gloss over the hurt until such time as they could be comprehended after the influencing/stimulating of future-presents. Hindsight after six-decades is operational, and the pieces falling into place just inside the single piece to my puzzle is occurring. At the same time an intuitiveness that I am only one piece of a multi-faceted Puzzle is emerging giving rise to a sense of a Whole I am incapable of comprehending.

 

I am comprehending the notion of The Incomprehensible and coming to terms of acceptance. The functional dysfunction makes sense and I am unable, definitely incapable of doing anything that would allow me to consider passing judgment. It is all beyond my scope, yet not outside my sphere of influence by being here, just like you

 

 

 

 

c. 1962

INHERITANCE

 

We are born on a mass spinning through space into a functioning dysfunctional environment inheriting massive a load. Each of us are responsible for our own piece of an ever-changing Puzzle, unknowing of Its overall Design. We clammer as if in the dark, some able to elicit support from the many less thoughtful as per their lot upon arrival, enabling the set up of systems to improve conditions within allotted Timelines.

 

Species come and go, and we the apparent sentient ones appear to be making haphazard decisions evidenced by progress shown. My life functions within a unique set of circumstances among the many others of differing specifications. Harmonic reverberations flow as certain member groups willingly collaborate for the sake of progress.

 

What occupies my thinking is the quandary occurring through activities between arrival and departure, and their synchronicity.

 

These are a specific series of events occurring over a duration of time early after my arrival, in this time/space continuum, as one among billions of the pieces of the whole Puzzle Picture. My self-consciousness appear to surface in periodic/temporal-phases, according to my memory servings. There is the tailoring of one set of sensibilities that circle my empathy training via the canine specie.

 

I recall having my first pet, a dog, somewhere around the age of 7yrs. My memory does not supply the how, only the association which was the love of a boy for his dog. The trauma/drama of losing this dog may have accounted for me not having any prior knowledge. What I do recall is events leading up to the loss.

 

Our family of 3 was spending the night in another of a few irregular locations. Before turning in for the night, my dog was tied off to ensure he wouldn’t wander off overnight. What was not considered was his nature to protect and investigate unrecognized occurrences, which he did. Being tied didn’t allow for freedom of movement which resulted in self-strangulation leaping in attack of an intruder. He was removed in order to protect me from seeing the result. An explanation was given that had a distracting quality, and only later was full disclosure given.

 

Upon departure and deposit in a boarding house, I acquired a pup which was taken away because I had not managed it properly. I was 10yrs old and without any kind of nurturing, my early years being trials and error of my own mindset. A short time later, I was relocated and acquired another pup. This time I decided to be more responsible, being in a more family setting after 4yrs.

 

We are born on a mass spinning through space into a functioning dysfunctional environment inheriting massive a load. Each of us are responsible for our own piece of an ever-changing Puzzle, unknowing of Its overall Design. We clammer as if in the dark, some able to elicit support from the many less thoughtful as per their lot upon arrival, enabling the set up of systems to improve conditions within allotted Timelines.

 

Species come and go, and we the apparent sentient ones appear to be making haphazard decisions evidenced by progress shown. My life functions within a unique set of circumstances among the many others of differing specifications. Harmonic reverberations flow as certain member groups willingly collaborate for the sake of progress.

 

What occupies my thinking is the quandary occurring through activities between arrival and departure, and their synchronicity.

 

These are a specific series of events occurring over a duration of time early after my arrival, in this time/space continuum, as one among billions of the pieces of the whole Puzzle Picture. My self-consciousness appear to surface in periodic/temporal-phases, according to my memory servings. There is the tailoring of one set of sensibilities that circle my empathy training via the canine specie.

 

I recall having my first pet, a dog, somewhere around the age of 7yrs. My memory does not supply the how, only the association which was the love of a boy for his dog. The trauma/drama of losing this dog may have accounted for me not having any prior knowledge. What I do recall is events leading up to the loss.

 

Our family of 3 was spending the night in another of a few irregular locations. Before turning in for the night, my dog was tied off to ensure he wouldn’t wander off overnight. What was not considered was his nature to protect and investigate unrecognized occurrences, which he did. Being tied didn’t allow for freedom of movement which resulted in self-strangulation leaping in attack of an intruder. He was removed in order to protect me from seeing the result. An explanation was given that had a distracting quality, and only later was full disclosure given.

 

Upon departure and deposit in a boarding house, I acquired a pup which was taken away because I had not managed it properly. I was 10yrs old and without any kind of nurturing, my early years being trials and error of my own mindset. A short time later, I was relocated and acquired another pup. This time I decided to be more responsible, being in a more family setting after 4yrs.

 

 

 

1b-the-wanderer-c-54

C O N U N D R U M

07/01/2018

A N X I O U S  ~  M O M E N T S

 

These are the Times of the fortunate unfortunates who experience, each in their own way, familiar – similar – superficial appearances. This is a process celebrated and hated interchangeably, called AGEING.

 

Look to any news media outlet, and you will most likely overlook their sponsors’ prime directive. The farming of minds by planting seeds offering up harvests that promises delusions of grandeur to hapless souls bedazzled by fanciful images and words that are seldom ‘heard’, until meanings attached exhibit shameful follies.

 

Whence come we, and whither do we go? What are the treasures acquired that we may take on the promised forever journey?

 

We arrive a seemingly blank slate, but not really. Few truly grasp the paradox as growth occurs after emergence. Much is absorbed, biased and unquestioned, and held onto through fear learned believing to be the only route to survival. Once the benefit of open-mindedness is demonstrated, a complexity emerges making the way forward dire straits.

 

Some are fortunate to accumulate decades en route, but the qualities of these quantities are often found wanting in Time. Inner and outer conflicts constrain self-loving and are projected onto unsuspecting others in ignorance, without realizing there are ongoing resultant actualities. Throughout these experiences there are sudden and unexpected departures, and those of us who become aware of the waning light face yet another set of fears.

 

I postulate many attempt to make peace with ageing out, while others ‘refuse to go gently into that good night’. There are those of us who believe in accepting the inevitable, such as It’s conceived, daring to consider a finality of sorts. I vacillate in the sensation of a cork in the vast ocean, or a leaf on the wind, never knowing for certain what is or isn’t.

 

All promotions of celebrating and admonishing youth and ageing create havoc within the human psyche’s framework, where differing belief systems’ offerings have illustrated and accented these havocs with increasing sophistication. There is nothing new under the Sun, and the chase through Time leaves untold minds unsatisfied and delusional.

 

On the bright side; … is there a bright side?

 

11. WestSide Wharf 5:15:13

 

 

A   L O N E   M I N D  ~  MINE  ALONE 

 

In the dead of night, that quiet time awaiting sleep the thoughts emerge out of a darkness seeking light, but not Light. A moroseness, heavy with untold sorrow being held in stasis not unlike a pregnant pause. There is no letting go. There in no knowing how, so the weight increases buoyed by an emptiness on a sorrowful sea where the morose species swim.

 

Somewhere amidst the emptiness, consciousness sinks into unconsciousness and I am allowed a reprieve until consciousness resurfaces, sliding out of unconscious mindfulness. An anxious awakening, wondering if Life is ongoing while a focus is derived and an awareness is assured, for what it’s worth.

 
Another day is fared prepared, founded on an unprepared foundation of which the social milieu is unaware. Time passes, the pace of Life increases and I do my utmost to keep in step, so that I am not left behind and further that I feel I am.

 

I have made it this far undetected with any certainty, as time and circumstance has afforded me placement biased on others projections and my adeptness and sensitivity to ongoing conditions, and my adequate offerings developed in step. Each day I anxiously await being found out. Discovered for my underdeveloped skill set; but, as Time and Circumstances speeds bye and I make use of nutrients on the wind, I develop skill sets pertinent and useful accorded the particular flow in our Time /Space Continuum.

 

The day ends, and with the fading light the demons within the abyss beckons me and I fear the waiting unconsciousness. I am to delve once more into its depths uncertain of ever resurfacing. I know there will come a time when the unknown will keep me for Its own and I am to be prepared for that uncertain occasion. Will I mind?

 

 

 

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