From   THE  BEGINNING

 

Humankind conceives, or tries to conceive a ‘beginning’ of the species; but, it is my belief we have had many beginnings. To my perception there is the birthing; afterwards, the ‘me’ emerges; and, sometime later for some, the emergence of the ‘I am’ from which the ‘We’ is comprehended. 

 

In my time, I began with the question many may be familiar asking, “What am I doing here?” Then, followed questions  of, ‘who am I?’, ‘How did I get here?’, and ‘What is my purpose?’ 

 

As I am ageing out, the questions have evolved, or devolved accordingly. There is a new question I am asking: “How is it I’m still here?” I have benefitted others by  my doings, most often excluding/overlooking material benefits to myself in the process. Occasionally, this question of my longevity arises biased in mortality, the Sciences surrounding my existence, as well. 

 

I regularly attempt to reduce, if not eliminate emotional attachments whenever possible. It is my belief Divine Providence supports me in my growth, given this Time-&-Space shared with others evolving/devolving. 

 

I am in a place where accepting, “all of this as nothing new”, is paramount to my peace-of-mind’. I am a work in progress, an evolving human being doing as I am able.

 

 

 

Gretzky's Sports Bar

MAKING   USE   of   DEPRESSION   

        

Before today’s kindly labelling of states such as anxiety, depression and their cousins originating in Fear, speaking for none but my-self, I learned to adapt while experiencing the aforementioned states. I remember when their emergence, in a late night during my grade twelve high-school year. It was then I began writing about these emerging feelings, to which awoke at 03:00hrs, daily for weeks.

 

In those days I had an English teacher from whom I requested insights. Synchronistically, the class that came in after mine was a printing class, I was a student of Central Technical School and was surrounded by an assortment of disciplines. This particular class has a printing project, and when my poems were revealed to them, by her consultation, they requested producing the selection in a Book! She conferred with me, asking if it was okay, to which I assented. Needless to say, I continued writing for as long as the sensation drove me while my first instalment was being put-to-print.

 

I was born into experiencing Asthma, which later had add-ons during puberty but that’s for another time. Both about the add-on and self-managing of Asthma. I came to an understanding of the Asthma as my environmental condition response, family dynamics which were out of my control. My body-mind simply responded the only way it knew, an unconscious plea that went unheard and unanswered due to overpowering Life conditions beyond adults’ comprehension.

 

I was in a time/space continuum that afforded me opportunities to self-manage feelings of isolation-neglect-abandonment, in today’s psychologists labelling. To me, it simply was my childhood experiences as many other have throughout their living. My advantage was being left alone, overlooked-forgotten in the melee of survival processes of family and caregivers/guardians. I used those opportunities while others around me were doing according to their support-mechanisms, unique to their households irrespective of our friendships and/or associations in-house, schools and neighbourhoods as I grew into my formative years in Time.

 

The benefits of being alone, choosing Nature as my venting space was a process unknown at the time, but served to assist in adulthood. Many have assumed my expressions as aloofness, whereby their approach to me was tailored. Without being aware I responded accordingly, and we were off to the races on human interaction in ignorance of with peculiar visors.

 

Ageing out, and being reflective, I am able to look back on where I am and how I came to be here. With the benefit of Divine Providence, I am where I am given the conditions of this world and how it-is-progressing!

 

If not for the Space allowed me from childhood into puberty amidst unfortunate conditions, those conditions would have nurtured a different kind of being unlike the one many have experienced. Of course, unkindnesses have befallen me, some of which I was able to sidestep, learn by and others marred my progress by accident and intent. The few kindnesses I received were able to keep me buoyant and insured the survival I am managing to experience to date. My mental health still has emotional/spiritual/physical challenges, but the tools from childhood are still operational.

 

At my lowest, I have been able to see and feel my way back to the surface without succumbing to despair, and not because of comparison to others’ dilemma; but, because I’ve given myself no other choice but survival. As Time goes bye, things have not gotten any easier, but increased with aging. I have given way to living in the moment instead of hoping for better/easier happenings biased by the various behaviours from various mindsets.

 

Ever engaging Nature’s environment from which to grow as I age out. Making lemonade from lemons… 

 

 

 

 

The Hug

Un-CERTAINTY   PRINCIPLE?

 

Let’s be clear here. This is not about you. Each night, awaiting sleep, I conjecture the notion that at any moment I could die, albeit not simply pass away; unless, I was one of the fortunate ones. Heck, I often wonder if I am really here and not imagining all this until acceptance is assured, then move on.

 

Crazy, isn’t it? 

 

Well, the number of times I could have died, I wonder if I hadn’t and I didn’t simply slip into another phase of being awaiting confirmation of what I hadn’t realized? Aside from being rescued from drowning at 12yrs young, or leaping onto a nearby tree as I slipped along a sloping rooftop at an earlier age, there are a number of incidents where I returned from a blank-experience to the world continuing.

 

I was knocked unconscious numerous times, in and out of water, and survived auto accidents, the most recent being the Summer of 2016. The most memorable was resuming consciousness, while being lifted onto the backseat of the auto of two Samaritans in 1970, and taken to Mount Sinai Hospital’s Emergency. I have stared down the barrel of a semi-automatic pistol and kicked unconscious in the back of the head by a competitor, who was subsequently disqualified. Damage already done there, nonetheless; also, being struck in the head by an unseen thrown softball, and resuming consciousness after a 3m-tower diving accident with nary a lifeguard being aware. I walked myself to the emergency where I was to spend eight days recovering from a hairline fracture and a perforated eardrum.

 

Those are recollections that dance through my consciousness upon sinking into the subnambxulistic, sleep/dream state. How is it am I still here, if I am still here? 

 

Granted, during these in-between incidents others have come and gone; family, friends, family of friends, friends of family and acquaintances becoming friends! I slide into this state called sleep wondering upon waking, am I continuing where I left off or have I slipped into another zone of reality not unlike, ‘The Quiet Earth’? 

 

Well, let’s get real here shall we, can we?

 

 

7. 'Returning Home' Nine Twenty-Four AM

IRRATIONAL   ASSUMPTIONS?

 

Once upon a time when you saw an accomplished person, did you comment, make assumption about her/his ‘know how’ in establishing her/his position? Upon acquiring information, did you take into account context, resources that qualified the information of your remarks without knowing of her/his access to such resources?

 

Your path to such enlightenment did not end with the product of her/his ‘know how’ being a product of their of access to resource(s) process. You became aware that her/his support mechanism(s) was a part of an ongoing and evolving system. A system that’s variable as each person’s individuality/uniqueness down to their very DNA, even to the Quantum Level.

 

It’s ironically moronic, if not arrogant, to hear tell of ‘self-made’ successes on this inter-connected/inter-dependent Planet giving aspirations to fantasies of many. Consider the microcosms of this macrocosm you inhabit; and ask yourself, how fantastic is your time/space occupation in this macrocosm. Does your mind allow you to perceive your contributions amidst your desires for more? 

 

 

My Dad

VERISIMILITUDES  

 

Ploughing through Life I have been fortunate to witness similarities ongoing in things designed to incite harmony; simultaneously, I noticed others seeing dis-similarities designed to incite discord and discontinuity.

 

Do you have such comprehensions? Any anxiety affecting your sensibilities going forward as a result?  

 

The question is rhetorical at this point, meant only to have you mindfully discern the continuity/discontinuity and synchronicity from your known perspective in concert with such goings on.  

 

 

 

GE DIGITAL CAMERA

“O D D S       B O D K I N S !”                                 

 

 

When did you first differentiate ‘pain from ‘hurt’, or have you yet to do so? What do these two words mean to you? 

 

Would their meanings differ if you had them on a regular basis; say, as dietary experiences throughout your early childhood? Would you became accustomed to them, as you would to your very own ‘security’ blanket, although not yet aligned in your contextual vocabulary? 

 

Would they simply be sensations experienced defying associative identification having no especial/cognitive meaning? Would they be incongruous expressions easily recognized, yet undifferentiated according to your overall Life context?

 

Unaware, maybe you react to these designations as if they originated from you? Have you realized this was the path which you’ve been treading, and have you found this to be your own unique path regardless of being onerous at times? 

 

Of course, this might just be my biased projection observing your accumulated behaviour patterns? 

 

 

 

7a. More Lifted-Balcony Slabs

HOW GOES the DAY ?

08/04/2018

PARENTAL   LOVE

  

What do you know of your prior mindset before receiving timely inoculations for current biases you deem of your own making?

 

Upon passing what I observe to be such a session between an adult and child, it became more apparent how little is known, and/or believed affective during these timely infusions. I saw the elder carefully readying the child to leave a space, only to overhear cautionary mutterings. Among other ‘truths’, for dealing with her/his functioning in her/his daily processes and interactions at-large, came unfiltered inculcations.

 

The sensation affecting me from the close-proximity of these two, the posture and tone of the adult pronounced this observation and contextualized current affairs more clearly to my awareness. Alarming to say the least. I can only hope there is hope in the future through others’ behaviours in spite of the witnessed cautionary tales spun during parental what is believed to be ‘loving’ exchanges. 

 

 

52a. In the Way

CAUSALITIES?

 

Time passed, and thoughts of ‘running away from home faded, with the advent of a few employment misadventures. I was an older looking teen, naive and ignorant of the city’s ways, but who had an enterprising mother able to secure access to after-school/evening, weekend and summer employment opportunities. One such employer was also enterprising. He was adept at negotiating and turning empty gas-station lots into parking lot-ventures, and with me one of their lot-attendant. He chose to place me at a most interesting location in the latter part of my high school years. 

 

I would arrive there at the gas station’s closing time.  The owner gave me the ‘washroom key’, which was to be my office. It was also my warm-up station during the upcoming winter months, ‘signage’ and chair storage, for me to strategically place in the lot. This lot was on a street perpendicular to street running north-south just outside today’s Yorkville-Hazelton Lanes development. 

 

On this job I was introduced to the kindness of strangers, experience driving a manual-transmission Corvette Stingray, and Yorkville of the 60s albeit only being on the periphery observing goings on.

 

During this period of Life orientation, observing goings on, I met two foot-patrol officers. I was still in my police-familiar phase, and was able to engage with them in easy conversation. They appeared interested in my observations, which I expressed with cantor, as I did my job parking cars. 

 

Easily overlooked by passers-by, I was able to offer insights of going on each time they dropped by. It occurred to me, during one of their routine visits, that these patrol officers conversation were becoming detailed questioning which an intuitive discomfort and I became reluctant to answer further. 

 

I was unaware what it meant to be a ‘confidential informant’, but I felt it unwise to engage further in conversation with these patrol officers. Synchronistically, they may have felt it too. They may have realized I did not fit their stereotypical insights. Their inquiries and visits ceased. Thereafter, I noticed them patrolling on the opposite side of the street and my unease faded, by and bye.

 

It is my belief, Life/Providence has ways of closing the circle on each of Its processes without counsel and effort. Years later, while I was working on a different summer job, a synchronicity occurred partial to the aforementioned parking lot attendant job process coming full circle, which I had forgotten during my pubescent fervour. 

 

This job’s early-morning process involved the distribution of each day’s delivery routes. Thereafter, we would make our way to our designated locations, and did our rounds delivering mail to those named on each envelope. One day, I recognized a name on one of the letters as I made my way into an allocated neighbourhood. I walked up the path to the door, knocked and waited. The door opened and I offered the mail to the named individual. 

 

As the door opened, if in slow motion, I smiled a familiar smile into the recipient’s surprised face. I was greeting one of the foot-patrol officers who had conversed with me, on my previous summer job as a parking lot attendant. It was a most surreal experience. Few words were exchanged, just cordial small talk. I turned on his door-step, with my mail-bag hanging on my hip, and simply walked back down his walkway, neither of us casting eyes on each other ever again.

 

Life in all Its vicissitudes!

 

 

 

2a. Getting Oriented c. 64

LATE ~ NIGHT DURGE

01/04/2018

ADDENDUM …

 

In the dark, be they demons or passing idle thoughts; meditating, awaiting sleep, realizations emerge.

 

I’ve lived a long while in this Time/Space Continuum and, like many other senior citizens, I am aware of developments experienced along the way occupying the Life spectrum from benefits to deficits. What does keep reappearing are aspects of ageing out, and not necessarily as I aged in! 

 

The world has changed with a disturbing equilibrium, if you observe the bigger picture. Some of us more fortunate than others to be on the elevated end of the plane. How this came to be is a matter for discourse, which I doubt will be accurate. Nature left to Its own devices Flows without regard wasting nothing, one way or another. The challenge is for us to elevate-the-process, going beyond the natural order and not in the manner we have been demonstrating.

 

We – have – the mental capacity, some possessing the will; although, not many of us are courageous enough, without FEAR to set the activities in motion, processes  by which all may benefit according to their proclivities.

 

What saddens me are the memories of those exiting out before me, and without having Life experiences with them. They occupy the categories of family – friends – acquaintances/associates -and- strangers. My earliest being a 14yr-old sister of my sister’s friend. Three years later, I had to forego a postponed tennis meet-up, when a friend departed en-route from visiting his girlfriend. Numerous students didn’t return after Summer Holidays during my middle years as an educator; and surprisingly, there were accidental and chosen departures by other students. Not to omit other friends and strangers who migrated through the avenues of illness, age and accidents. 

 

Throughout, were levied unexpected sorrows of relatives: grandparents – aunts – cousins – uncles who ventured to other dimensions via accidents, age, illnesses and accidents while I devoted myself to making a living being sole provider of me as I age up. True, we cannot be everywhere for everyone all the time. There need be no guilt and self-deprecation. It is unnecessary to beat oneself up over doing the essential things that kept one alive, and accept that nothing is lost to Time.

 

Sadness, of what might have been, infuses the feelings guiding me into the sleep-zone. These many deaths increasingly remind me about the importance of ‘being here now’. A notion receiving countless amounts of lip-service throughout the 20th Century into our Contemporary era, awaiting conscious awareness in action by each and everyone of us, thereby giving me hope for humankind while I age up ‘n out. Sweet sleep awaiting…

 

 

Melancholia 1

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