ANOTHER  FULL  CIRCLE

 

 

Before going off on another tangent, I’d like to close this cycle which appears a circle. When this, “Police Services Interaction”, peculiar exposition began I spoke of having origins within my patriarchal environ. Looking back on the path I had navigated, the specifics could not have been foreseen much less planned for or against. There was an unfolding that originated then materialized from the ether that was Life’s.

 

It was a matter of being born in the Tropics with behaviours particular to its time, emigrating to another continent with its indigenous behaviours and unaware of my tool-kit’s contents for survival, which I was to use and eventually discover the qualities therein.

 

The journey traversed a circuitous path from that origin to place me where I am, aligned to Police Services.

 

I left where my father’s vocation was with the Jamaican Constabulary, until his untimely passage into the hereafter, only to have numerous close encounters of which I was fortunate to navigate safely without stereotypical incarceration. I was aware of certain news items that were operating while en route, and unaware of what could have had very unfortunate outcomes had variations to conditions been different. 

 

My living conditions, during the ‘Spot Check’ scenario, was facilitating the closing of the cycle. I had overworked myself to the point of collapse and, during my early phase of recovery, began volunteering in unknown arenas that were presented. One could say it was meant to be, but that would sound fatalistic.

 

One of the contributing factors to my collapse began much earlier in the late 90s, and afforded me information to look out onto the goings on in a neighbourhood I had resided for 10yrs but was unfamiliar. Venturing out into the neighbourhood one thing led to another and I became a neighbourhood representative for my building in Its association. Earlier in my alignment with this association I was asked if I would accept a position that became open. This position was liaison to the police services division of which my neighbourhood constituted a part.

 

Accepting this position sparked the coming full circle, in my perception, in spite of my much earlier decision not to become an official member of this city’s constabulary upon arrival. When I arrived my country of origin carried no firearm and I wished not to carry one. Here I am 55yrs later, aligned without having to carry a gun, with the Police Services of Toronto coming full circle in an interesting cycle. 

 

No one was aware to pay attention to this circumstantial occurrence, least of all me; and, none were the wiser on seeing this coming.

 

 

 

CPLC Volunteer Award copy

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ESPECIAL  DAY

 

 

It is said, you have your memories and I have mine, which is accorded each of us by way of our personal experiences. 

 

Contrary to popular opinion, beliefs and experiences of others, I never really knew my father. There was a man I called ‘dad’ according to custom with barely remembered experiences, throughout my growing years. There is an early photo of being held as a child in his arms at some sort of celebration, the only evidence of  me being in that setting. Thereafter, contacts and interactions were random and sporadic throughout childhood into puberty, no daily engagements.

 

There were a few memorable interactions prior to adulthood: a Yuletide notice of no presents due to failing school grades; being a happy passenger on the back of his police motorcycle; and, the gift of a pup during the year my younger sibling and I resided at his family’s home before emigrating to another continent. During my early adulthood personal engagements were once every few years when I was able to afford to travel. Surprisingly, he attended my wedding, which was short-lived and ended in divorce. 

 

Growing through middle adulthood, he had occasion to warn me I was being exploited, bleak information for which I was grateful but unable to fully actuate without further input and support mechanism. The only substantive relevance of the information was validating a current tenuous situation I was experiencing with a certain party warranting caution. 

 

I carried that information without directional benefit, but was fortunately in the process of developing an independent support mechanisms through education. We all have our trials and tribulations, and his life was no different. We lived our lives with only cursory knowledge of one another’s goings on, communicating at long-distance from time to time. It was during one of those dialogues he divulged his regret for not being the father he should have been. 

 

I accepted those spoken words, forgiving the past as one unable to regret what was an unknown life experience I had never lived. He was my father, and being his son has had benefits I do not deny however they materialized. This saying comes to mind, “It’s not what you know but who you know; not who you know, but who knows you; and, not only who knows you, but also who’s watching you.” I often sense I’m at the whim of Chance in a chaotic world.

 

I appreciate, sharing vicariously in others’ fatherly experiences via friendships, scripted dramas from movies and television shows observed throughout my life. Many families’ lives gifted me opportunities of what a home life was as witnessed my early years; before and after emigrating to this northern landscape. I learned through many observations and social engagements albeit unable to fully grasp the daily family dynamics, be it a two and/or single-parent process.

 

Still, I share with so many an unease within when I hear, “Happy Father’s Day”, levied with taken-for-granted abandon. However, I am void of anger ~ remorse ~ sadness; just an unoccupied space, neither good nor bad, a beneficial void unable to appreciate the expressed celebratory sentiments others share and hold dear. 

 

It is as it is … HAPPY  FATHER’s  DAY, one and all! Enjoy what you have within your purview to comprehend!

 

 

 

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Anthropological    Content 

 

 

At a certain moment in Time, during my physical comprehension on the biometric level, I was informed ‘Free Will’ was an illusory construct to pacify the masses. Many were seeking their place in Life, and try as I might, I was steered onto the self-determining route from which there was only a forward path I knew not from whence I came. 

 

How do I clarify the aforementioned statement? 

 

Well, Nothing would give me greater pleasure, except specifics are peculiar to timely discourse and an open mind towards accepting outside-the-box concepts is a pre-requisite. Starting points are synchronistically philosophical and scientific! Question is, how open-minded to this comprehensive notion are you, and where do we begin? 

 

Are you a religious and/or spiritual person, and to what do you ascribe? Are you fluid, conventional and/or rigid in mindset? All are factors in the comfort level of you going forward. Take a few moment to consider your place in this Time/Space Continuum before deciding if/when/how you’re to proceed, and if we are going together on this journey.

 

I’ll be back to get your decision, as I continue my journal entries …

 

 

 

 

50. HALO

Forewarned  –  not  –  Forearmed

 

 

For the first time, after numerous occupations since my arrival in Toronto and upon completing 25yrs in teaching, I received a government document in the mail revealing decades of pension contributions. It was noticeable because, in tandem, I received notification I would qualify for early retirement in 3yrs. A timely notification as decades of stress and drama/traumas I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, symptoms I had unrecognized when experienced.

 

Many years have passed since my early retirement began, and what appears a constant is the unfolding of decades of missteps and misadventures that might have been avoided if those around me were not either intimidated and/or had envious inclinations of how I may have benefitted at the time of their inputs. Luckily, I did receive one or two inputs which I was able to explore, and one resulted in being employed in the teaching profession. 

 

Although, I was able to enter into that vocation it was not without its naysayers, opposition and withholders. Even their promoted concept of mentoring was not applied to me by those who had it within their jurisdiction to support me by such data. Unbeknownst to all, navigating the education required astuteness to grasp as whatever straws were within reach as I overcame early stuttering and dyslexia both of which were not labelled as educational restrictions then.

 

Through strict discipline, corporal and otherwise, I was able to develop strategies to process and learn through my undiagnosed dyslexia, obsessive-compulsive and attention deficit hyperactive behaviour. Other laymen terms used during my early childhood years, especially upon emigrating to an anglo-dominant society where I received a definitive set of labelling geared toward my ethnic appearance.

 

Nonetheless, ‘I made it through the rain’ as the lyrics claim, albeit in a different context to where surviving my life’s dramas/traumas, which included asthma, have brought me. Appreciating where I am requires more time than I feel is afforded me by the preceding years achievements which, upon reflection are many. I am tasked with recognizing and releasing the hurt and pain heaped upon me deliberately and happenstance/ignorance along my way.

 

The way forward involves making peace with the way travelled, requiring the kindness of family, friends and strangers alike; including, the naysayers, the angered and injured along the way. My ignorance from lack-of-support caused unintended injuries as I too was likewise injured. So much forgiveness to going forward from backwardness, which is the only way toward healing and growth if wholesomeness is to be experienced while ageing out of this mortal coil.

 

 

 

quiet-retreat

OVERCOMING    MISSIVES

 

 

During my first attempt at acquiring what was deemed a higher education, I hit a brick wall founded on ignorance meted out via cultural shifts: being a person of colour in an otherwise uncaring and unknowing system after emigrating from a similar system where I was a majority yet minority. Contemplate that statement a while and I hope it does make sense.

 

After finding myself in unfamiliar territory which required tools other than the required educational qualifications of which I was unaware, I was unprepared to accomplish the goal I had yet to set for myself having arrived on the scene. I faced other dilemmas to choose among in order to proceed under conditions bearing down upon me. I had arrived onto this higher education stage and found I was misplaced. I was erroneously registered in a faculty of interest without requisite qualifications!

 

WHAT  to  DO? I was admitted conditionally with borderline qualifications, via the student loan program and without information to improve the condition of faculty misplacement. Dropping-out/leaving was not a desired option; then, what!?

 

I decided to continue onward, staying-in but dropping-out having accepted being unsuccessful as the eventual outcome. I rationalized my particulars: no working-tools from home and school experiences; inaccurate faculty placement; student loan commitment; and, no job possibilities had I chose returning from whence I came. It was the most logical choice to my understanding. In spite of the accepted outcome, what was ahead was a vast unknown being where no one had gone before in my family history! I had arrived on the plane of university higher-learning, I was a University student! The first in my families, being the first-born from both parents families, albeit disenfranchised by divorce!

 

The year proved a most essential part of growing into adulthood, although void of understanding adulthood and manhood apart from what was onscreen in movie theatres during my formative years. Transiency and disruption was a mainstay throughout my earlier years which I navigated with calm exterior many observed, and I learn to manage behaviours as I proceeded in Life. In my head, through my childhood eyes I observed Life and Death, deciphered according to developing environmental customs, which changed randomly and spontaneously on the whims and necessities of the adults/grown-ups in charge then.

 

Now, in university, I was to choose and decide on those preceding life-stylings which were biased and sparse. Paying attention to the moment, acting on what I observed in university life at the time in Windsor of the 60s, across from Detroit, USA, my adventure far away from home began. Lodging was the priority, as I began my worldview education; a first, abiding inadequate acquisition.

 

 

 

 

2b. Viewing the Archer

UNRAVEL

 

 

On this Life-Boat we call Earth, over the years I have observed there’s much I am to learn while others have much to unlearn.       

Awaiting the cover of sleep, I reflected upon how fortunate the unfortunates were in my life. I endured. I overcame maladies, capitalizing on circumstances beyond my control whereby I was able to recognize and make use of alternatives that allowed others to endure and overcome.

No matter what and/or how much I overcame, I am overcome with gratitude for the challenging-opportunities I have received that netted me allotted comforts, while respecting those undergoing and overcoming relative circumstances with whom I would not trade places.

Without knowing the functioning minutia in others’ lives, I can but imagine we are all where we are for a purpose. 

Appearing without rhyme or reason, is it all reasonable and purposeful? Simply put, many refuse to recognize and acknowledge the Truth replacing It with ‘factual’ rationalizations.  

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.    

 

 

 

Conceptualizing

LIP ~ SERVICE

31/05/2018

TRUTH    NOTWITHSTANDING …

 

 

I have noted when asked, “How are you?”, as well as, “How’re you  doing?” was my easy answer, as with most people. Until, I became aware of these not being a truthful reply! Would people be receptive, if I was to truthfully answer without appearing to come across as wingeing about Life’s seeming irregularities called challenging-opportunities?

 

There is a complexity to my lifestyle in spite of appearing straightforward and simple. Uncomplicated, yet difficult to explain (clarify) thereby dismissing what many would reflexively term (label) complaining (making-excuses).

 

I am quite often reluctant, possibly erroneously to exercise my choices (options) in coming and going, believing I am feeling depressed only to realize its basis in anxious-emotions bordering on panic. 

 

This process is a daily unravelling, regularly lifting me into an ongoing Time/Space continuum where I intentionally engage trustworthy and untrustworthy space-travellers, alike.

 

 

 

 

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HOW GOES the DAY ?

08/04/2018

PARENTAL   LOVE

  

What do you know of your prior mindset before receiving timely inoculations for current biases you deem of your own making?

 

Upon passing what I observe to be such a session between an adult and child, it became more apparent how little is known, and/or believed affective during these timely infusions. I saw the elder carefully readying the child to leave a space, only to overhear cautionary mutterings. Among other ‘truths’, for dealing with her/his functioning in her/his daily processes and interactions at-large, came unfiltered inculcations.

 

The sensation affecting me from the close-proximity of these two, the posture and tone of the adult pronounced this observation and contextualized current affairs more clearly to my awareness. Alarming to say the least. I can only hope there is hope in the future through others’ behaviours in spite of the witnessed cautionary tales spun during parental what is believed to be ‘loving’ exchanges. 

 

 

52a. In the Way

LATE ~ NIGHT DURGE

01/04/2018

ADDENDUM …

 

In the dark, be they demons or passing idle thoughts; meditating, awaiting sleep, realizations emerge.

 

I’ve lived a long while in this Time/Space Continuum and, like many other senior citizens, I am aware of developments experienced along the way occupying the Life spectrum from benefits to deficits. What does keep reappearing are aspects of ageing out, and not necessarily as I aged in! 

 

The world has changed with a disturbing equilibrium, if you observe the bigger picture. Some of us more fortunate than others to be on the elevated end of the plane. How this came to be is a matter for discourse, which I doubt will be accurate. Nature left to Its own devices Flows without regard wasting nothing, one way or another. The challenge is for us to elevate-the-process, going beyond the natural order and not in the manner we have been demonstrating.

 

We – have – the mental capacity, some possessing the will; although, not many of us are courageous enough, without FEAR to set the activities in motion, processes  by which all may benefit according to their proclivities.

 

What saddens me are the memories of those exiting out before me, and without having Life experiences with them. They occupy the categories of family – friends – acquaintances/associates -and- strangers. My earliest being a 14yr-old sister of my sister’s friend. Three years later, I had to forego a postponed tennis meet-up, when a friend departed en-route from visiting his girlfriend. Numerous students didn’t return after Summer Holidays during my middle years as an educator; and surprisingly, there were accidental and chosen departures by other students. Not to omit other friends and strangers who migrated through the avenues of illness, age and accidents. 

 

Throughout, were levied unexpected sorrows of relatives: grandparents – aunts – cousins – uncles who ventured to other dimensions via accidents, age, illnesses and accidents while I devoted myself to making a living being sole provider of me as I age up. True, we cannot be everywhere for everyone all the time. There need be no guilt and self-deprecation. It is unnecessary to beat oneself up over doing the essential things that kept one alive, and accept that nothing is lost to Time.

 

Sadness, of what might have been, infuses the feelings guiding me into the sleep-zone. These many deaths increasingly remind me about the importance of ‘being here now’. A notion receiving countless amounts of lip-service throughout the 20th Century into our Contemporary era, awaiting conscious awareness in action by each and everyone of us, thereby giving me hope for humankind while I age up ‘n out. Sweet sleep awaiting…

 

 

Melancholia 1

DIGITAL AGE

 

It appears the ‘digital age’ has provided humankind with more than many unintended consequences deemed essential during the many mechanistic developments. In the process there was the loss of human connectivity, all the while promising quick ’n easy connectivity and improved living conditions.

 

Technological advancement without mature human spiritual functioning to sensibly balance the user operations intended.

 

Agree or disagree, look around, reflect and contemplate your navel!

 

Unless your mind has already fallen victim to its viral infection of convenience, you will find more than enough examples within your own life peculiarities to admonish much in our living conditions! I leave the findings to your particular predilections.

 

 

 

 

Connected Disconnect

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