InSecurity  Life  Experiences ? 

Learning about one’s uniqueness ought not to be a deadly and diabolical process, but given the ongoing consciousness development into which I was born made it so. 

Having survived the Shakespearean “slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes” that made up my childhood in another place and time, I found myself learning a diaspora of unknown quality and quantity. I was an immigrant, a transplant into a place with only vaccinated preparations in embryonic enclosure that would begin to dissipate without my being conscious of all but the physical. There was an already established and functioning system of which I was to learn and discover simultaneously, unaware of prerequisite tools and support systems.

Geographic challenges were added to the emotional and psychological framework of inadequacy. I didn’t know where I was, what was required of me and how I was to equip myself with the required consciousness being without filial counsel. I was unaware of a family unit beyond my comprehension being a necessary evil. A father figure was missing in infancy, and a mother’s loving kindness disappeared at the outset of what is called “the formative years”. The mother’s loving kindness would reappear in puberty, without foreknowledge of what developments or lack thereof had transpired making the work-in-progress most daunting.

Picking up where we didn’t leave off was a hit the ground running metaphor. Balls were in motion, some damaging and damaged which had to be navigated in the business of survival. I had no way of recognizing the qualities of what was at play, not to mention their identities relative to my person, but my life depended on getting to know if I was to survive …

One such lesson was multi-layered, beginning with getting to understand that my physical appearance had significance beyond being a living entity. I belonged to a cultural and ethnic typography and geography with an unknown history. Making things more challenging was the fact that my ethnicity was multi-national with a predominance that was to become evident in definitive ways. One discovery was linguistic about which I was made aware through those in my immediate locale, classmates in public school. Turns out I spoke with an accent to the standard language used in communication. Not long after, I was introduced to a physical difference significance that took a while to settle in and challenge how I was to grow. A darker complexion appeared to have a social significance with dangerous intent whose content was unknowingly horrifying.

In an industrial education discipline of Carpentry/Woodworking, an incident occurred which had import that was left unattended and undiscovered because blood that was desired went unattained.

I was in what was called a Shop Class, and those of us in attendance received what is known as a Safety Lesson before commencing our exercise, a preparation for a grand project for successful transition into the next level of learning. My familiarity was limited and my lack-in-comprehension, also. While using a band-saw to cut a plank of wood I was distracted by a familiar sound, one to which one automatically: the sound of one’s name. 

Looking away for just a moment, in the direction of the sound but continuing to push the plank towards the spinning-saw, I hadn’t noticed the danger to which I was being deliberately placed by a classmate. Without alarm, a strong hand took hold of my small hand in time to stave off an unimaginable loss. I was chastised for my inattentiveness without knowing the incident’s import. I was deliberately distracted with the intention of being harmed by a peer, but that factor of social discourse on ethnic bias was not revealed and I continued through onto other incidents involving survival.

Decades later, given additional experiential knowledge to recognize and accept similar incidents qualified intent-on-harm, I came to comprehend deviousness in ample scenarios. That incident would have changed my life in unimaginable and untold ways, anger being the least of its results. It might have been labelled an ‘accident’ if the teacher had allowed that intention its desired fruition. I was most fortunate that teacher saw the bigger picture, its possibilities and probabilities, and its direct and indirect impact for all concerned beyond my loss of a thumb during class under a teacher’s supervision.

That was one of the defining incidents in being not only a unique individual, but also with distinctions that was to contribute unexpected and unknown challenges of varying qualities and quantities. I was tasked to navigate this Life by learning Its unfolding, with Its ‘systemic constructs’ evolving simultaneously …





Moral Constructs


Have you ever heard the saying, “S/he must’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed”, and accepted it as mutual comprehension visualizing the person ‘getting up’ on one side of her/his bed and it being the ‘wrong’ side What is the ‘right’ side? I mean, people usually get up on the same side most, if not all mornings, or whenever they awaken, don’t they?


Consider then, how often we ‘interpret’ what’s being said from an assumed vantage point culturally ‘n ethnically biased, without giving it a second thought; of course, linguistically biased depending on where one’s situated. However, the easiest medium to steer more than one person is visual in spite of personal imprinting provided the images are of familiar realms.


Still, there is much in the way of assumption and presumption yet we get by. How is that?


Well, we have been getting by but it’s gotten harder with the exception that new technologies are muddying the waters arranging the ways forward in more ways than one. The ‘side of the bed’ matters not so long as the behaviour exhibited it within understood parameters. What you’re seeing reflects experiences with mutual familiarities, and you move on to the next presumption arranging your mindset in concert with desired outcomes.


Do you know where you’re going? Have you all that’s required for the ‘desired outcomes’? According to History, ever repeating Itself, it’s evidenced that ‘the desired outcomes‘ are not known, only acceptable within reasoning and/or rationalities all the while keeping up appearances. Fact of the matter, the Truth escapes perception due to mindsets biased in what may be rationalized as the 7 Deadly Sins, ego states of misguided ambitions: wrath – lust – gluttony – pride – sloth – envy – greed.


Much more is contained in these labels, especially when context is applied to comprehending each one. What ought to be applied is missed by those who feel superior upon first glance falling victim to the aforementioned. How to avoid being a victim of being a victimizer? Be aware of which side of the bed one gets out of the bed … ?




3e. Sleeping Quarters During Balcony Replacement

Suicide    Chronicles       …..       …..       …..      





That first year on a continent was the beginning of many phases of my living. The preceding 13yrs held a deposit with much ‘in-the-red’ deficits if speaking in fiscal terms, all of which was unaccounted for by many involved. All involved except my mother. She was to carry a hurting pain that was to create her ticket of departure. 


Yes, there was a reunification, one of many on this spinning rock with protocols of unique qualifiers. One does not deposit their own children entering into their formative years in unknown and unfamiliar environments without consequences occurring all round. Only those who are parents may comprehend the difficulties arising from such a decision with adequate empathy, possibly. Additionally, the intervening years that followed emigrating to another land presented experiences intimate and intricate on many levels: dynamics of social politics of which only families engage. 


Then, there were the socio-economic intricacies involved in engaging and making a living. Being of colour and coming from an island where there were established dynamics of colour and prestige that had yet to take hold, I was now in unfamiliar territory where there was already established and functioning policies I had yet to discover and learn on this continent. The ensuing years presented what may be considered good and bad scenarios for one of my qualifications; a male of colour entering puberty with the challenge of getting-to-know ‘who I am’ in an unknown society, with unknown quantities.


The experiences flowed seamlessly around my ignorance, with my mind playing catch-up on many levels. There was schooling and getting oriented, not only in location but in customs that came non-stop inside and outside my residence. There was also the social dynamics of what seemed regular getting to know but with a side-order of unidentified racial-bias always at play just under-the-surface. Unexplained fisticuffs aside, geographic orientation created uncomfortable issues which accompanied relocations after the first few months.


By the time I went from grade eight into grade nine, we relocated twice. There were untoward incidents, emotional upheavals motivated by social differences but were smoothed over by students coming to my aid and I was able to develop a small social circle within which I felt comfortable. I felt the storm’s effects but my position was unflustered due to my naivety and trusting nature. Our economic position was unknown to me, but an added level of stress was added by being told to get a part-time jobs after school. I was to earn my keep in every way possible, never knowing the wherefore or why of the coming and goings of jobs to which my age was fabricated in acquiring. It seemed I could pass as being 2yrs older than I really was.


It took a while before I secured regular part-time occupations, which meant less of a financial outlay for my personal needs. I was still unravelling and orienting myself to this society and culture, not to mention my primary caregiver. I was an immigrant of 3yrs and accounting with much to discover and learn inside and outside of what was now considered ‘home’.


In the ensuing years jobs came and went due to flaws in my conscious awareness, as well as that of my mother being unaware of how to raise a male child on her own. She did the best she could through church-going, me that is, and timely placement of books that she discovered and thought would be beneficial. I kept myself busy, occupied with the temporal occurrences of part-time jobs, education and co-curricula activities which until senior years were unfulfilling. I had begun a self-determining program of managing my asthma. Unbeknownst to me at the time as well as, undiagnosed ADHD and Dyslexia, with Stuttering a holdover from childhood.


If I was to progress in high-school, succeeding in acquiring a university education as advised by Mr. Graham in Math class, these hurdles had to be overcome by any means possible.






Suicide      Chronicles         …     …     7c.



Being an eight-year old child, entrusted with being mindful of a younger sibling was heard but improperly comprehended. Neither of us knew the import of what was upon us, now what was to ensue for an unknown duration. I recall there were three relocations over a four year period, the second ’n third benefitting schooling relocations. No sooner did I make friends and became accustomed to the new environment, another relocation ensued.


I have memories of wandering far and wide around the city. Somehow I was able to navigate the streets, side-streets, parks and adjoining hillside, waterfront and downtown areas without undue incidents. During that period, I was unknowingly in search of an unknown. I only knew I had to be out walking, experiencing what was in my surrounding reality. I may have been in search of my ‘self’ that I felt was gradually diminishing due to essential childhood nurturing that was not forthcoming, what any self required to be fully informed.


There were many untoward incidents that carved their initials within me, and upon my younger sibling. These ‘carvings’ are remembered because of repeated introspection in being the male constant remaining after other males returned to respected nurturing families. I remained amidst the dominant female energy conclave with my wanderlust as Nature nurturing, with an ability to slide from view after completing my chores. 


I recall borrowing a bicycle from a neighbour, and gradually learning to ride it by minimizing cuts and bruises on falling. 


Between the first and second relocations, my mother’s behest to our guardian, I was successful in my 2nd attempt in obtaining a scholarship for education in high school. My mother had written that I take the examination while underage, as a tactic to get exposure to the process while was borderline qualified. It was a good strategy, as I was loosing the ‘self’ I needed to maintain my scholastic edge which was showing signs of decline. Somehow, I saw and felt the manifestation of a kind of shadow growing within me, casting a filter over my eyes. I went from being one of the top three academics in the school to being in the bottom third, after first year in high school.


By happenstance, between age-twelve and thirteen, returning from one of my meanderings I saw my father for the first time in the four years, after our mother departed. He had news of another relocation, this time to his parents home; and, with my report-card being unacceptably low, I’m not expect getting a Christmas present that year. I didn’t recall much about ‘presents’ during the preceding years amidst the ensuing deflation within.


This was to be the fourth ‘home’ in five years since the decision to set us up in a ‘boarding-house’ (foster-care/group-home) environment altering sensibilities for all involved. This abuse/neglect-cycle had to be broken in spite of other sacrifices, added ‘temporal-abuse’ inconvenienced in the process. Much was to occur during what was deemed my ‘formative years’, a difficult phase for this child growing up without parental nurturing under the guardianship of female’s intrinsic biases. I learned via innate sensibilities, picking up whatever morsels of knowledge were available and recognizable in order to navigate those vulnerable times.


Relationships between genders, learned by osmosis during normal family life, I supplemented as I navigated and transposed from the scripted realities on the silver-screen. I applied these Hollywood scripting onto the actualities I inhabited combining them with my early biblical scriptural comprehensions. Instinctively and unconsciously imprinted onto my psyche, these affected my unconscious in unpredictable ways; one being a bearing of calm and self-assurance of which I unaware. I internalized external projections by others and behaved in accordance with their projections. They in turn interpreted my appearance and behaviour as reality; but, in fact, my behaviour was actually an interpretation of a Hollywood demeanour.          


Everything appeared real; but, these actual interpretations were unconsciously ‘untrue’ on varying levels of human endeavour: delusions resulting from illusions of grandeur. All stemming from childhood, with spreading roots by the onset of puberty … 






16. Awaiting Mechanic on Queen's Quay

Suicide   Chronicles   



In hindsight, that 20/20 vision perspective on prospects already experienced, the ones pertaining to choice-to-live plays havoc in my psyche at the oddest times!


Take for example absorbing distresses in my environment which offer paths for physical manifestations. Was asthma one option chosen from the lot? Not that I’d know what it all means; but, while some transfer to the nether realm how is it I am still kept here?


I have not been read in on what task I am here to fulfil in spite of my tribulations and trials. Life gives tough choices to caregivers, and choices seldom appear to have clear endings while plans are formulating. Often, ripple effects, not to mention butterfly effect, are seldom known to be considered. I usually rolled with it developing whatever skills I had inherited and to which I added what I learned.


One monumental decision, when I was 7yrs, formed an opportunity of a lifetime. A caveat required serious consideration and circumvention was essential. It was a choice that had to be in spite of the caveat, and thus began a journey on which shadows of doubts emerged to take their toll along pathways. 


From 8yrs -to- 13yrs much was gained, while crucial developing potentials were  irrevocably lost with damages to ensue in unconscious consciousness as I grew into a stranger in a strange land. This only added to a complexity unrecognized, that I was unable to decipher amidst occurrences unfolding where appropriate actions were paramount! At every step options appeared, many appearing as opportunities to observers for which I was not prepared being within these goings on.


The one begun at 7yrs took a psychic toll in addition to a physical manifestation  that arose earlier. One I was to manage and navigate successfully as I aged into adolescence. By the time I was 13yrs, it was becoming clear I was losing sight of/for having any kind of future. Fortunately, an olive branch to emigrate to North America surfaced; and, with much ado about nothing, along with my younger sibling, relocated for possibilities and probabilities of opportunities on foreign soil. The suicidal cycles had already begun   





Distillery Options 2010

MetroPass   vs.   PRESTO 



One may question executive decisions in a society priding itself on democratic procedures and practices, and fall short of the question becoming rhetorical to say the least.


My instinctive thought was one of suspicion, conspiratorial nonetheless. Was the decision corporate induced covering creative bookkeeping manipulations and modifications, feeling from observations without confirmed information to be called facts. Was the public’s overall welfare a consideration, or was it simply to benefit corporate functioning? After all, we are simply directed to walk lock-step without debate!


More questions. When and how are public benefits considered, especially where security and implementation are concerned? What – when – how week studies for this new approach facilitated, and by what modalities? How is the spectrum, from children to seniors are to benefit? Or is it simply a convenience for institutional and systematic mobility of pedestrians in an automobile-faction society?


I mean, how is this better than photo-ID day/week/monthly fare-by-choice, other than a bottom-line corporate money-grab with bonus’ toward the upper echelon? 


Will this curb, improve the accumulation of surfacing discontent evidenced in the misguided attitudes, behaviours and conducts of those excluded in the decision-making process, which is usually the case?


Just wondering what’ll occur when the shoe is on the other foot, as Time usually presents to balance ’n harmonize …





Mobility Modalities

TAKEN     for     GRANTED  



We go about our business unaware of the mutants among us, not to mention we are one! Without due knowledge we pass bye shape-shifters galore, ofttimes than not giving cursory attentions and to some more than necessary or warranted. 


Allow me to alter your perception of our own humankind from conception to transmigration back into our futures. In this Time/Space Continuum it may be believed the start of our mutation begins at conception. If you are given to more scientific discourse we may venture down a rabbit-hole of quantum physics in which Time will play a significant role. Suffice to say, I’m avoiding that direction for the sake of Time and staying with the direction taken by sperm and egg.


Easy-to-believe, according to life-sciences, our mutation attains momentum in ways imperceptible to most unless brought into focus by intimate involvement. Still, each and every one of us are its process recipient with specified benefits resulting one way or another. Of course, the trend today is to manipulate the process which has variable our minds cannot comprehend in total, but that will not dissuade those bent of going down that particular rabbit-hole …


1a. James Early Phase '49

As we grow from infancy into adulthood we mutate both inside and out, seen and unseen markers that fancy mild to extreme behaviour eruptions. True to form, some of us venture into realms outside boundaries of civilized norms which reaps untoward rewards, oftentimes not accepted graciously. But, we function as our mutation affords according to our specific design. Then comes the time when external transformations appear to slow and allows for internal transmutations.


Some of us are placed in what appears more favourable conditions for acquiring creature comforts that satisfies, while others not-so-much as desires for more get into the dissatisfied domain. Those aside, we function like clockwork according to the systems supporting our goings on before there’s a crossover into a realm that appears to engender fear. Some of us fall into these dysfunctional realms earlier that others while developing our inherent skillsets and others by synchronistic routes we deem accidents and other things …


Connected Disconnect

However, those of us fortunate to secure decades of experiences of comfort and discomforts, we eventually attain a plateau where Time behind outnumber Time ahead. With mixed emotions, often expressed with sadness and melancholy, we watch others pass into a beyond fated to all, desired by some and feared by many. Our shape-shifting is often recorded in various ways, some joyful and some not. We are destined to mutate and shape-shift regardless of efforts to the contrary, whether natural or unnatural.


LinkedIn- Guided Don

We arrive through a specific set of procedures and depart relative to the choices afforded us, according to goings on throughout. Kicking and screaming, or as we so choose; but, that Door will be Opened at an appointed Time into another realm awaiting us that is known, accepted and/or welcomed by few …





9a. Genie's Residence

OVER ~ the ~ RAINBOW    …   …   …  2.



Nurturing environmental conditions affecting my character developments, notwithstanding, Life kept Its Flow of Challenging Opportunities which would either usher me out of, or embed me deeper into the Time/Space Continuum.


Not the least of these were asthma, daydreaming (attention-deficit), dyslexia, introversion, fidgeting and stuttering of which timely corporal punishments afforded opportunities for self-strategizing. 


Bit-by-bit I learned and developed management skills for these characteristics affecting my growth years. Visual arts in concert with cursive-writing skills were exemplifications of escaping into my daydreaming realms in life. My asthma took some time, entering puberty, to get under control as did my bed-wetting where fear and anxiety were attendant culprits. Dyslexia was a bit of a misunderstood functioning, mislabelled and unknown but was nonetheless affecting life-skills development which was eventually managed.


Introversion, shyness as some may know it, allowed me the capacity to calm my self sufficiently in order to speak my thoughts clearly, and methodically sort how to acquire skillsets to navigate through formal education offerings. 


The goings on in my life continued without care for my minutia within the Grand Scheme of Things. Learn, adapt-to-survive as best I could in concert with Fate’s Synchrony was my task-at-hand. The players, family members with attendant colleagues and friends in Life’s Symphony were opportune challenges to my adjustments at each turn. There were deaths that came and went from early on; father’s departure from home, and life; followed by matriarchal family members; then, mother’s departure along with being placed in a board/foster-house under the guardianship of a spinster teacher, with my younger sibling.


Without the nurturing attention and care of a customary home, parents-in-tow as many are accustomed, I foraged-navigated to gleaning and acquire life-skills in accordance with my childhood understanding. We made do to benefit from the basics: room and board; essentials in disciplining and chores; all the staples in our existence for our development throughout our formative years.






6. Growing Still




Sounds were coined into letters, the letters made into words, these words into grammatical sentences conveying meaning throughout all geographically biased languages; yet, though these processes result in requiring efforts not promised, a successful outcome by which humanity could prosper is desired.


Using this format in the language of my comprehension, my evolved brain being conditioned by this established process, I can but guess and explain the failing of what was to be a grand scheme on the road toward a humane way of living for all. We all didn’t get the memo on compassionate engagement to all. Our species appears not hardwired for universal empathy in engaging upon coming together.


Whatever conspired in our creation, and however we were designed throughout this creative process, it appears this origin formula has a built-in mechanism for self-determinant success and/or failure. Understood as ‘free will’, comprehending the meaning of ‘self-interest’ will determine our way forward. 


So close; yet, still so far away … 




Peaceful Co-Existence?




TTC people-watching thoughts: 

~ I scan upon entry, taking note of many indicators beyond the customary and superficial and assign myself a place amidst available ’n acceptable space. Between embarking and disembarking a myriad of occurrences, a few rising to the level of incidences and the odd one becoming a personal issue by unusual irritant to some stranger. Sadly, current political discord have discontent on the rise and effort at consideration is now less likely to allay confrontation. 


~ “What we got here is ‘failure’ to communicate”, as quoted in ‘Cool Hand Luke’. I observe, intuit accorded the micro-indicators everyone unknowingly projects in spite of facades catering to posture-poses entertainment industry infused through media-hype platform. The advertising industry has structured insipid subtlety being overt, a hiding in plain sight scenario and, unless one is adept, behaviours are affected and collated by unobserved surveillances.


~ Big Brother may be doing more than simply monitoring for probable possibles from insecure mindsets promising security.


~ how do we go through our day unaware of one another’s enduring specifics Life poured onto wants and needs facilitating our peculiar growths?


~ I continue to surmise through timely tailored optics albeit dissimilar biased by my peculiar heritage, individual conditioning influences and choices. We all do this from our appointed place in this Time/Space Continuum, some more or less consciously aware than those round about us. There are even rippling effects from direct and indirect sources, a butterfly effect from the Quantum Level to which we’re interconnected but not necessarily accepting. 


~ There are many routes to the summit and we all get there in our own way, sooner or later …







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