PARENTHOOD

 

First steps, first words are outside the recollection process of the adult individual as are imprinting processes in her/his conscious awareness. Suffice to say, when Time allows for the introspection process whereby such recollection is possible, the individual has the choice of such an experience, or not. This process is not an easy choice to make, due to conditioning factors that ensue within developmental years. The years ensuing after walking and talking becomes second nature, as was the advent of socialized learning for survival amidst the cultural band.

 

 

In my situation, transiency and solitary endeavours became second-nature and overshadowed social orientation many others experienced. Though different, my beaten path flew beneath the radar of my peers and many dominant adults who viewed my behaviour within the normal scope of everyone else. My distinctions went unnoticed even when my performances began to lag, resulting in academic decline. It was a different Time and my female dominant demographic had more important issues in survival to manage. My family unit with its primary caregiver was sabotaged, not to mention instability for growth and sensibility. Alternative aspects were present, education and religious practices, accorded to biased social systems in keeping the behavioural constructs allowing unknowing development of a chameleon management/navigation skillset.

 

 

 

 

Be that as it may, Life in Time progressed, developing and evolving in keeping with the overall evolution of humankind economically, socially and politically.

 

 

I was clothed, housed, fed with education and religious tutelage in tow. What I had not noticed, as everyone else, I had lost the close nurturing of a matriarch and patriarch, along with extended-family units that supported many families cohesion. Being male and older than my younger sibling, I went unnoticed due to my wanderlust, a byproduct of being left to manage myself yet look out for the care and well-being of my younger sibling whenever I was consciously aware and being in a female-dominant environment. It was fortunate that she was younger and remained among the female folk whereby she gleaned behaviours to which I was partially and unconsciously exposed to which I adapted.

 

 

My mind acquired imprinting and conditionings at subconscious levels which I wasn’t able to fathom in spite of behaviours being affected, with resultant actions appearing within parameters of male-behaviour. Still, my behaviour was often misinterpreted due to appearing to run counter to masculine aggressiveness and leaning to more feminine passivity, a simplistic role distinction of that era. I was subject to behaviours I misinterpreted in passing, since I was often by myself and often unaware of what was occurring meant. There was a one-year term where I became more social and stability was presented as a possible option in living. But, that period was also short-lived and I was to relocate to parts unknown.

 

 

 

 

That oasis amidst the wasteland of unfamiliarity and neglect during my formative years was to the traded in for a new frontier by reuniting with my female/primary caregiver as I ventured my adolescence, a pivotal-moment in Time.

InSecurity  Life  Experiences ? 

Learning about one’s uniqueness ought not to be a deadly and diabolical process, but given the ongoing consciousness development into which I was born made it so. 

Having survived the Shakespearean “slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes” that made up my childhood in another place and time, I found myself learning a diaspora of unknown quality and quantity. I was an immigrant, a transplant into a place with only vaccinated preparations in embryonic enclosure that would begin to dissipate without my being conscious of all but the physical. There was an already established and functioning system of which I was to learn and discover simultaneously, unaware of prerequisite tools and support systems.

Geographic challenges were added to the emotional and psychological framework of inadequacy. I didn’t know where I was, what was required of me and how I was to equip myself with the required consciousness being without filial counsel. I was unaware of a family unit beyond my comprehension being a necessary evil. A father figure was missing in infancy, and a mother’s loving kindness disappeared at the outset of what is called “the formative years”. The mother’s loving kindness would reappear in puberty, without foreknowledge of what developments or lack thereof had transpired making the work-in-progress most daunting.

Picking up where we didn’t leave off was a hit the ground running metaphor. Balls were in motion, some damaging and damaged which had to be navigated in the business of survival. I had no way of recognizing the qualities of what was at play, not to mention their identities relative to my person, but my life depended on getting to know if I was to survive …

One such lesson was multi-layered, beginning with getting to understand that my physical appearance had significance beyond being a living entity. I belonged to a cultural and ethnic typography and geography with an unknown history. Making things more challenging was the fact that my ethnicity was multi-national with a predominance that was to become evident in definitive ways. One discovery was linguistic about which I was made aware through those in my immediate locale, classmates in public school. Turns out I spoke with an accent to the standard language used in communication. Not long after, I was introduced to a physical difference significance that took a while to settle in and challenge how I was to grow. A darker complexion appeared to have a social significance with dangerous intent whose content was unknowingly horrifying.

In an industrial education discipline of Carpentry/Woodworking, an incident occurred which had import that was left unattended and undiscovered because blood that was desired went unattained.

I was in what was called a Shop Class, and those of us in attendance received what is known as a Safety Lesson before commencing our exercise, a preparation for a grand project for successful transition into the next level of learning. My familiarity was limited and my lack-in-comprehension, also. While using a band-saw to cut a plank of wood I was distracted by a familiar sound, one to which one automatically: the sound of one’s name. 

Looking away for just a moment, in the direction of the sound but continuing to push the plank towards the spinning-saw, I hadn’t noticed the danger to which I was being deliberately placed by a classmate. Without alarm, a strong hand took hold of my small hand in time to stave off an unimaginable loss. I was chastised for my inattentiveness without knowing the incident’s import. I was deliberately distracted with the intention of being harmed by a peer, but that factor of social discourse on ethnic bias was not revealed and I continued through onto other incidents involving survival.

Decades later, given additional experiential knowledge to recognize and accept similar incidents qualified intent-on-harm, I came to comprehend deviousness in ample scenarios. That incident would have changed my life in unimaginable and untold ways, anger being the least of its results. It might have been labelled an ‘accident’ if the teacher had allowed that intention its desired fruition. I was most fortunate that teacher saw the bigger picture, its possibilities and probabilities, and its direct and indirect impact for all concerned beyond my loss of a thumb during class under a teacher’s supervision.





That was one of the defining incidents in being not only a unique individual, but also with distinctions that was to contribute unexpected and unknown challenges of varying qualities and quantities. I was tasked to navigate this Life by learning Its unfolding, with Its ‘systemic constructs’ evolving simultaneously …

 

 

 

NATIONALISM by CONSPIRACIES  via  FOOD

While the world churns, political will bolstered by multinational corporations with globalization in mind and the restructuring process has been ongoing over decades as observed through trade agreements guided and subverted unaware through the various corporate-owned media. How this has been orchestrated, by whom and with what purposes in mind boggles the mind, mine at least. This has been ongoing for some time and I cannot for the life of me believe there’s a ‘long-game’ surrounding all of these goings on considering many in play weren’t alive at the outset. So, what’s the true story?

Consider, if you will, weather patterns over the past 100yrs and resultant food insecurities? Not to mention, Trade Agreements and manipulations through media-hype for one nation to benefit over another, primarily the upper echelon and the individual on the streets be damned, left to scrounge their sustenance for survival believing there is a beneficial trickle-down effect in place. Of course, the other well orchestrated distractions catering to imprinted biases in fear from the threat of unbearable pain according to beliefs, also created conditionings. What is really real?

We exist, living in survival-mode on the surface of styling by slick manipulations catering to illusions to delude and mystify varying mindsets to which we are all recipients. Can you step out of your subjectivity long enough to identify much less recognize the path we walk? We are no longer of the hunter-gatherer domain, nor ‘Early Civilization’ practitioners, but benefactors and products of all that’s been and gone before; the good, the bad and the ugly. We organize according to our basic predilections, tribal groupings delineated into hierarchies and political substrata with cultural, ethnic and socio-economic demographics which to orchestrate goes beyond any Zeitgeist management being offered.

Books have been written, labelled documentaries, fiction and non-fiction where it’s believed the truth may be deciphered by a select few who we are led to believe have the well-being of humankind as their goal, with a few naysayers! It’s been said that down through the ages Life is the orchestration of the masses by the few but to what end, if there truly is an End? When did these ideals become apparent ambitions to be fostered of an influential few, supported by policing sector and desired, not to mention expected by the general populace with a radical counter-force to keep the system repeating? 

This appears awfully peculiar, while we go about our lives food-surfing …

 

Moral Constructs

 

Have you ever heard the saying, “S/he must’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed”, and accepted it as mutual comprehension visualizing the person ‘getting up’ on one side of her/his bed and it being the ‘wrong’ side What is the ‘right’ side? I mean, people usually get up on the same side most, if not all mornings, or whenever they awaken, don’t they?

 

Consider then, how often we ‘interpret’ what’s being said from an assumed vantage point culturally ‘n ethnically biased, without giving it a second thought; of course, linguistically biased depending on where one’s situated. However, the easiest medium to steer more than one person is visual in spite of personal imprinting provided the images are of familiar realms.

 

Still, there is much in the way of assumption and presumption yet we get by. How is that?

 

Well, we have been getting by but it’s gotten harder with the exception that new technologies are muddying the waters arranging the ways forward in more ways than one. The ‘side of the bed’ matters not so long as the behaviour exhibited it within understood parameters. What you’re seeing reflects experiences with mutual familiarities, and you move on to the next presumption arranging your mindset in concert with desired outcomes.

 

Do you know where you’re going? Have you all that’s required for the ‘desired outcomes’? According to History, ever repeating Itself, it’s evidenced that ‘the desired outcomes‘ are not known, only acceptable within reasoning and/or rationalities all the while keeping up appearances. Fact of the matter, the Truth escapes perception due to mindsets biased in what may be rationalized as the 7 Deadly Sins, ego states of misguided ambitions: wrath – lust – gluttony – pride – sloth – envy – greed.

 

Much more is contained in these labels, especially when context is applied to comprehending each one. What ought to be applied is missed by those who feel superior upon first glance falling victim to the aforementioned. How to avoid being a victim of being a victimizer? Be aware of which side of the bed one gets out of the bed … ?

 

 

 

3e. Sleeping Quarters During Balcony Replacement

SUICIDE    CHRONICLES  

Those were interesting times; transient childhood with single parent escaping the economic difficulties of her time, no-parenting throughout formative years, then emigrating overseas to a distant continent.

Our reunification was haphazard, to say the least, where I was led into me pulling my weight without information but trusting in the say so of my mother at each turn. I learned to adapt to the reunification with the absentee parenting of my formative years, adjust ’n orienting to a new culture without knowing there was a bias towards my ethnicity, not to mention establishing dynamics with relatives that had their own presumptions that also went unnoticed. 

As far as social perceptions were concerned, I had a construct of openness and acceptance of everyone I interacted with until their behaviours towards me necessitated modification. Most often people were forthcoming, with behaviours I wasn’t able to fathom in my naivety and ignorance of bigotry: a pair of siblings informed me to not expect recognition away from the local swimming pool where we met under instruction of their parents, which was better than the unexpected bullying and assaults. If not for identifying some behaviours albeit many after the fact, I might not have successfully navigated the difficulties that came my way then.

During my high-school years I experienced some bullying, near misses in assaults and an untoward encounter with a staff/coach but, by and large, most behaved in a professional manner. Some did take care to guide all students with Life-Lessons in addition to academics, and from those I was able to benefit not having a father as most were male. The females that weren’t suppressive I was able to engage on a more personable level. One was able to lend support at a time when I was in crisis of which she and others were unaware, least of all me. I doubt if there were any of such a mindset beck in the 1960s, especially in a school of 2,700 students, 200 of which were female in Art, Home Economics, Typing/Office Management and Nursing.

After my untoward interaction with a coach I refrained from playing football for some time and took to track-and-field, which was to support my asthma project. It was in my senior year that members of the senior football team did a class-by-class drive to acquire enough players to tryout for the senior football team which was sorely lacking in players. As it turned out my track & field days were useful in spite of lacking in actual coaching as I was to discover in my grade 12 year. I was able to stay my crises by getting involved in co-curricula activities beginning in my 3rd high-school year. I was in a pressure-cooker internally, but my hyper-activity had an outlet in sports and performing, after it was discovered I had a good singing voice, and late-night poetry expressions.

Working after-school, during the summer months and on weekends meant I wasn’t having a social life, but acquired one by happenstance. My younger sibling being more of a social person was able to make friends easily and I was the older-protective brother doing his bit, as best I knew. We lived in a neighbourhood during a crucial period that allowed for social interaction. It was during that period I interacted with Italians, Jews and other Europeans adding dimension to what was unaccustomed, seeing names only on maps and Sunday school lessons. 

Information came like a steady downpour and I sorted all, as I was developing a new vocabulary adding to and replacing words to my previous recollections.

I was engaged in the world of my neighbourhood, the local swimming pool, the public-at-large; subsequently, high-school, the varying odd-jobs acquired that came and went with ensuing intermediary public/social interactions, along with family dynamics that held nuances on a daily basis. Needless to say, in addition to my internal constructs that were undiagnosed and unknown, I had quite the plate of activities requiring my attention. It was for those actions that a vocabulary was acquired, all while navigating my path to accomplishing my high-school diplomas without direct knowledgeable support through my family enclave.

I was to discern what I could given my base biases without knowing what I was constructing, as I went through the Times that were a-changing … 

Suicide    Chronicles       …..       …..       …..      

 

 

 

 

That first year on a continent was the beginning of many phases of my living. The preceding 13yrs held a deposit with much ‘in-the-red’ deficits if speaking in fiscal terms, all of which was unaccounted for by many involved. All involved except my mother. She was to carry a hurting pain that was to create her ticket of departure. 

 

Yes, there was a reunification, one of many on this spinning rock with protocols of unique qualifiers. One does not deposit their own children entering into their formative years in unknown and unfamiliar environments without consequences occurring all round. Only those who are parents may comprehend the difficulties arising from such a decision with adequate empathy, possibly. Additionally, the intervening years that followed emigrating to another land presented experiences intimate and intricate on many levels: dynamics of social politics of which only families engage. 

 

Then, there were the socio-economic intricacies involved in engaging and making a living. Being of colour and coming from an island where there were established dynamics of colour and prestige that had yet to take hold, I was now in unfamiliar territory where there was already established and functioning policies I had yet to discover and learn on this continent. The ensuing years presented what may be considered good and bad scenarios for one of my qualifications; a male of colour entering puberty with the challenge of getting-to-know ‘who I am’ in an unknown society, with unknown quantities.

 

The experiences flowed seamlessly around my ignorance, with my mind playing catch-up on many levels. There was schooling and getting oriented, not only in location but in customs that came non-stop inside and outside my residence. There was also the social dynamics of what seemed regular getting to know but with a side-order of unidentified racial-bias always at play just under-the-surface. Unexplained fisticuffs aside, geographic orientation created uncomfortable issues which accompanied relocations after the first few months.

 

By the time I went from grade eight into grade nine, we relocated twice. There were untoward incidents, emotional upheavals motivated by social differences but were smoothed over by students coming to my aid and I was able to develop a small social circle within which I felt comfortable. I felt the storm’s effects but my position was unflustered due to my naivety and trusting nature. Our economic position was unknown to me, but an added level of stress was added by being told to get a part-time jobs after school. I was to earn my keep in every way possible, never knowing the wherefore or why of the coming and goings of jobs to which my age was fabricated in acquiring. It seemed I could pass as being 2yrs older than I really was.

 

It took a while before I secured regular part-time occupations, which meant less of a financial outlay for my personal needs. I was still unravelling and orienting myself to this society and culture, not to mention my primary caregiver. I was an immigrant of 3yrs and accounting with much to discover and learn inside and outside of what was now considered ‘home’.

 

In the ensuing years jobs came and went due to flaws in my conscious awareness, as well as that of my mother being unaware of how to raise a male child on her own. She did the best she could through church-going, me that is, and timely placement of books that she discovered and thought would be beneficial. I kept myself busy, occupied with the temporal occurrences of part-time jobs, education and co-curricula activities which until senior years were unfulfilling. I had begun a self-determining program of managing my asthma. Unbeknownst to me at the time as well as, undiagnosed ADHD and Dyslexia, with Stuttering a holdover from childhood.

 

If I was to progress in high-school, succeeding in acquiring a university education as advised by Mr. Graham in Math class, these hurdles had to be overcome by any means possible.

 

 

 

 

GE DIGITAL CAMERA

Suicide   Chronicles 

 

 

 

Having relocated into a patriarchal setting, rules and regulations of this new environment was established being the add-ons to an already functioning dynamics. As Time went bye, a routine of chores alongside schooling became the norm. What was different, and had a slower infusion, was the aspect of being in the midst of ‘blood-relations’, something that uncommon during the previous 4years. Additionally, peer relations introduced us to friendly neighbours within walking distance, across the street and a few blocks in three-directions. All but south had peer interactions, which offered exploratory options suitable to my wanderlust.

 

Somehow, I had the desire for a dog which had been an off-and—on relationship during earlier times. I was able to procure a puppy entering a weekend, and was quite comforted. Monday morning came, and school was to interrupt my bonding flow.  I left for school early morning, with miAt the gate upon my return. I called out expecting the little legs to come running up the driveway, but there was no little legs in response. I went searching only to find a lifeless little corpse in the garage where I’d left him.

 

Undaunted, I quickly got one of his siblings and proceeded to groom him for my next morning departure, hoping for a better response at the end of that school day. I wasn’t to succeed with that expectation either; just another lifeless corpse in the garage, again.

 

The sadness was overwhelming, but I continued with the chores as expected of me, keeping my losses within. 

 

Unbeknownst to me, my father came to the house with a gift of a puppy from the police pound, giving his parents strict instructions to look after my puppy while I was at school. Was I to have another death experience for a third time? I was to live through two-weeks of anxious anticipation, expecting the greeting of my little puppy before the feeling of happiness replaced the fear and settled within.

 

The time at my grandparents continued with one incident after another, all the while I got accustomed to a family type setting with random encounters with my father. I was most likely on walkabouts if he did come by, he never asked, which was most likely the reason I hadn’t seen him during the previous four years in the boarding-house. If not doing chores, in school, playing at neighbour’s and with cousins, I habitually took to wandering near and far afield from where I lived. On my wanderings, I would visit with relatives and friendly neighbours further away, things I was also able to do on a regular basis during the previous four years.

 

That year I entered 2nd Form in high school, responsible for my puppy and my chores, I almost drowned while establishing a social network with family and neighbours during a rare visit to the seaside. In spite of my exciting times there was a persistent sense of dullness which affected my school learning. I could not grasp my studies as I used to in spite of feelings of the growing connectivity to my environment. I felt a separation taking place within and it made no sense to me.

 

Then, a turn of events emerged. I learned we were to emigrate to North America and reunite with our mother. Elated, I felt a reprieve from a confinement that was manifesting in deadening ways upon my psyche. Without clear understanding, I experienced cycles of mania and depression, hyper-activity with random  feelings of anxiety.  I withdrew myself from school, not attending classes, but I waited for classes to be out and visited with classmates right up until the day of departure. 

 

I said my good-byes to everyone, only to realize that this time I was the one to be leaving my beloved pup of one-year, behind. After the death of four dogs over the previous 13yrs, I was leaving the one that survived to the whims of those I could not trust to care as I did. I was going to experience a relocation of international proportions this time, with unknown proximity to my relocation. Two suite cases in hands, and my younger sibling in tow, I boarded a metallic four-engine turbo-prop aircraft for an eight-hour flight.

 

One awareness was to alight within my consciousness. I was to notice from the air, as the plane achieved cruising altitude, no boundaries of delineation existed below. Geographic demarkation drawn on the maps I studied in school, on lands far and wide, did not exist below. There were no defined spaces, which I ought to have suspected from my wanderings during my pre-pubescent years. 

 

This was just the beginning of many lessons awaiting … 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Suicide      Chronicles         …     …     7c.

 

 

Being an eight-year old child, entrusted with being mindful of a younger sibling was heard but improperly comprehended. Neither of us knew the import of what was upon us, now what was to ensue for an unknown duration. I recall there were three relocations over a four year period, the second ’n third benefitting schooling relocations. No sooner did I make friends and became accustomed to the new environment, another relocation ensued.

 

I have memories of wandering far and wide around the city. Somehow I was able to navigate the streets, side-streets, parks and adjoining hillside, waterfront and downtown areas without undue incidents. During that period, I was unknowingly in search of an unknown. I only knew I had to be out walking, experiencing what was in my surrounding reality. I may have been in search of my ‘self’ that I felt was gradually diminishing due to essential childhood nurturing that was not forthcoming, what any self required to be fully informed.

 

There were many untoward incidents that carved their initials within me, and upon my younger sibling. These ‘carvings’ are remembered because of repeated introspection in being the male constant remaining after other males returned to respected nurturing families. I remained amidst the dominant female energy conclave with my wanderlust as Nature nurturing, with an ability to slide from view after completing my chores. 

 

I recall borrowing a bicycle from a neighbour, and gradually learning to ride it by minimizing cuts and bruises on falling. 

 

Between the first and second relocations, my mother’s behest to our guardian, I was successful in my 2nd attempt in obtaining a scholarship for education in high school. My mother had written that I take the examination while underage, as a tactic to get exposure to the process while was borderline qualified. It was a good strategy, as I was loosing the ‘self’ I needed to maintain my scholastic edge which was showing signs of decline. Somehow, I saw and felt the manifestation of a kind of shadow growing within me, casting a filter over my eyes. I went from being one of the top three academics in the school to being in the bottom third, after first year in high school.

 

By happenstance, between age-twelve and thirteen, returning from one of my meanderings I saw my father for the first time in the four years, after our mother departed. He had news of another relocation, this time to his parents home; and, with my report-card being unacceptably low, I’m not expect getting a Christmas present that year. I didn’t recall much about ‘presents’ during the preceding years amidst the ensuing deflation within.

 

This was to be the fourth ‘home’ in five years since the decision to set us up in a ‘boarding-house’ (foster-care/group-home) environment altering sensibilities for all involved. This abuse/neglect-cycle had to be broken in spite of other sacrifices, added ‘temporal-abuse’ inconvenienced in the process. Much was to occur during what was deemed my ‘formative years’, a difficult phase for this child growing up without parental nurturing under the guardianship of female’s intrinsic biases. I learned via innate sensibilities, picking up whatever morsels of knowledge were available and recognizable in order to navigate those vulnerable times.

 

Relationships between genders, learned by osmosis during normal family life, I supplemented as I navigated and transposed from the scripted realities on the silver-screen. I applied these Hollywood scripting onto the actualities I inhabited combining them with my early biblical scriptural comprehensions. Instinctively and unconsciously imprinted onto my psyche, these affected my unconscious in unpredictable ways; one being a bearing of calm and self-assurance of which I unaware. I internalized external projections by others and behaved in accordance with their projections. They in turn interpreted my appearance and behaviour as reality; but, in fact, my behaviour was actually an interpretation of a Hollywood demeanour.          

 

Everything appeared real; but, these actual interpretations were unconsciously ‘untrue’ on varying levels of human endeavour: delusions resulting from illusions of grandeur. All stemming from childhood, with spreading roots by the onset of puberty … 

 

 

 

 

 

16. Awaiting Mechanic on Queen's Quay

Suicide   Chronicles   

 

 

The popular thinking in earlier years were unfavourable to people with issues spanning the psychological spectrum. Needless to say, many lived off-the-grid as best they could or were treated as pariahs unless fortunate enough to have family support. That was only operational if things were identified, but when anxiety and depression were in the making, so to speak, flying under the radar war quite common.

 

Looking back over the decades, it’s noticeable how many had contributions to the maladies now labelled mental health issues. If you were male, the expectations laid out was quite different, harsh if you considered what was considered as boys being boys. Not to overlook the obsession that was fostered upon girls from early on in Life, which bore the brand-of-oppression deemed misogyny. I am of the opinion that this so-called battle of the sexes bore ingredients of mental illness.

 

My contributors came through both genders suffering under the brands already in vogue. The stereotypes of what constituted gender, social-economic-ethnic status applied their weightiness through the actions, behaviour and attitudes of the merciless ignorant and from those in-the-know, their predecessors, according to their inherited conditioning. I was to due get a heaping serving from the get go, which slowly but surely began by imprinting from unconscious psychological residues. 

 

Allow me to mention at this juncture, this is not-a-blame scenario but a laying out of conditions that contribute to what became dysfunctional qualities in this human being’s life.

 

My particular input was from an uncertain conception that culminated in the early departure of the masculine energy necessary in balancing the upbringing of any child. Once that contributing masculine energy departed, unwilling by its absence on its way out, this male-child was to remain in a primarily matriarchal environment within a transient-truncated and uncertain path. 

 

‘Home is where the heart is’ was the adage meant to be just that, since instability was the constancy balanced by a mother’s loving affection with two-children to provide care for in a male-dominated culture, without the support of her primary caregiver. This was the behaviour-pattern I into which emerged that cultivated its unique dysfunctional qualities.

 

I had the distinct pleasure of being more than bi-racial, a misnomer if I ever there was one. I was multi-national, ancestry hailing from many corners to the world. My contributors hailed from somewhere in the African continent, the British Isles,, the Caribbean, Central America, China and Europe. Exotic though this blending may sound, consider the periods in History these couplings occurred!

 

Certainly not recent history, and definitely not North America! The resultant fallouts continue to this day, a fuelled carry over from warnings fostered by fear from assailants afraid of their own shadows, another aspect of mental illness.

 

Suffice to say, the dynamics raging through each group, in each generation left scars gone unrecognized even where aberrant behaviours manifested. Of course, when I came on the scene dysfunctional behaviours were rampant and I could but navigate with what I had inherited by way the mindset of a brilliant caregiving mother dealing with inherited constrains as best she could, and timely pivotal inputs. Before, during and after the primary-masculine energy departed she had too much was on her plate to adequately manage. 

 

Something had to be done, which involved decisions embracing many issues that imprinted dysfunctions on this unsuspecting child’s psyche, including a younger sibling who by design was able benefit somewhat being of the dominant setting.

 

During an eight-year stretch in Time, ‘home’ occurred in as many locations before another definitive upheaval occurred.  

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering

Suicide   Chronicles   

 

 

In hindsight, that 20/20 vision perspective on prospects already experienced, the ones pertaining to choice-to-live plays havoc in my psyche at the oddest times!

 

Take for example absorbing distresses in my environment which offer paths for physical manifestations. Was asthma one option chosen from the lot? Not that I’d know what it all means; but, while some transfer to the nether realm how is it I am still kept here?

 

I have not been read in on what task I am here to fulfil in spite of my tribulations and trials. Life gives tough choices to caregivers, and choices seldom appear to have clear endings while plans are formulating. Often, ripple effects, not to mention butterfly effect, are seldom known to be considered. I usually rolled with it developing whatever skills I had inherited and to which I added what I learned.

 

One monumental decision, when I was 7yrs, formed an opportunity of a lifetime. A caveat required serious consideration and circumvention was essential. It was a choice that had to be in spite of the caveat, and thus began a journey on which shadows of doubts emerged to take their toll along pathways. 

 

From 8yrs -to- 13yrs much was gained, while crucial developing potentials were  irrevocably lost with damages to ensue in unconscious consciousness as I grew into a stranger in a strange land. This only added to a complexity unrecognized, that I was unable to decipher amidst occurrences unfolding where appropriate actions were paramount! At every step options appeared, many appearing as opportunities to observers for which I was not prepared being within these goings on.

 

The one begun at 7yrs took a psychic toll in addition to a physical manifestation  that arose earlier. One I was to manage and navigate successfully as I aged into adolescence. By the time I was 13yrs, it was becoming clear I was losing sight of/for having any kind of future. Fortunately, an olive branch to emigrate to North America surfaced; and, with much ado about nothing, along with my younger sibling, relocated for possibilities and probabilities of opportunities on foreign soil. The suicidal cycles had already begun   

 

 

 

 

Distillery Options 2010

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