I’ve been afforded a luxury in Time to discover there’s a tricky process learning ‘how to’ put oneself first, without being arrogant and/or egocentric. It’s been my practice to always ‘wait and see’ when I could safely move forward, make the right choice that satisfies everyone involved. I have done this often without drawing attention to myself, which facilitated requests I felt duty-bound to acknowledge providing desired services to others. Simultaneously, I hoped my needs were included in my actions. I have concluded this behaviour a result of a female-dominated childhood, acquiescing and being passive aggressive.


Now in the enviable position called ‘retirement’, allowing time to decipher the dilemma of how to take care of me in spite of intercepts I allowed throughout the prior decades in my life, the process is proving long and arduous. The unexpected and unintended land-mines, pitfalls challenging anything that resembles progress, affects my daily attempt to align any discovered influences going forward. Unusual malignancies through ignorance, naïveté, miscalculations and socially projected ailments contribute negatively to the content and context within my environment.


Through this, I have noted those who claim to care about the well being of humankind are prey distracting from others their good fortune. They do nothing to support their offered good intentions, and I wonder about the way things have become in Life, the Way Life Balances Itself going forward. You may not have acknowledged the Lessons of History, understood the meaning expressed in the quote, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”; well then, comprehensive observations to awaken will be lost to your mentality, your style of thinking.


Where do you go when you fall into sleep at night?





Routine Apprehensions


The functioning state of anxious readiness, being constantly on the go, always seeming to be settling in and seldom, if ever, settled. The route I’ve traversed over so many decades, in search of a place/space, many others seek: Home.


Home, not as seen by many as a structure built of brick and mortar, although for some it begins there. I speak of that sense of belonging many succumb to in wayward places, led astray by charlatans offering up false promises and battling to the death protecting the false belief.


Many never find it, while others compromise for the next best thing and suffer going forward hoping for a rescue scenario down the road. Most everyone has their own woeful tale held close to not give themselves away, all the while going in ill fated directions following misguided choices.


‘To sleep perchance to dream’; sleep, a condition I resisted the final 5yrs of my career into the present. Ageing out I get to musing now and again on the line, ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question’. I believe many interpret that opener a finality when the answer may contain a multitude of promises unimaginable to thought albeit not to sensations.


My question, bourn of the preceding; from here to where?




It s about time, pal - enjoy this memorable day, C



When I hear the phrase ‘Merry Christmas’ I’m flooded with mixed feelings. Not the socio-political controversial distraction that is hyped, although that realm does its levelled best to command focus. It’s more the experiential past that has indelible signposts etched on my emotions while observing the current goings on.


While watching an episode of ‘A Night at The Movies’ ~ S1/E4, the following ‘etched’ memories of Christmas’ Past flooded the forefront of my conscious mind.


The first was a memorable family outing to a photo studio where our family trio, mother-sibling-myself, were to have our portrait memorialized on celluloid. On this occasion I was to take a fancy to a dual lens Rollie-Flex Camera, which I was allowed to explore. I found its general functioning, especially a reflected inverted image atop the framed flip-up apparatus puzzled me. Without actually using it, I was fascinated!


Skip ahead a few years, while I was residing in a boarding-house, Christmas no longer our family trio affair. I was under the guardianship of the proprietors in a boarding house had established, albeit forgetful rituals of the season which was as uneventful an experience except for one memory of a neighbour’s home where a very large and well decorated Christmas tree resided. It was there I had a most ephemeral experience upon seeing ‘Angel Hair’ glow atop coloured lighting!


Days prior to the Christmas Day, I had the occasion to encounter my father on his motor-cycle coasting down the road towards me retuning from my meanderings. This encounter became an indelible moment. He made it clear I was not to expect any present that year. He explained it was due to my unremarkable school report. Interestingly, in that moment I couldn’t recall ever receiving any presents the previous years?


Jump ahead 7yrs, which at the time felt like an eternity, I was in my first attempt at university education where many friendships developed. One such friendship was to result in an invitation to the family’s home to celebrate Christmas. This, of course, was an occasion I accepted, since our family Christmas celebration often depended on the work schedule of the family matriarch. It was not until later did I experience similar ‘family’, with relatives, gathering. This invitation to a family Christmas Dinner, in hindsight, was a foretelling of what I would later experience over several times.


Skip ahead another 7yrs, there was another intervention Christmas. This time it was the birthday of my nephew. My sibling was in the hospital giving birth to her first and only. I was home for the holidays, house-sitting while awaiting the news. Curiously, the birth was but the tip of the iceberg of what was to unfold in my life. Synchronistically, I happened to be watching a Frank Capra movie on television, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Being alone I allowed myself the luxury of being brought to tears for the first time ever watching a movie.


Thereafter, I took my-self out for a walk and began singing a Christmas song, ‘Do You Hear What I hear’, bringing my-self to tears once more. Upon arriving to the house, I learned my sibling’s son was born that Christmas day.


I resumed being an observer of Christmas experiences, especially with work and study schedules affecting any family-type gatherings. I was not one to find being in Christmas social gatherings any different from especial gatherings throughout the year. Possible, the culmination of all previous experiences biased by formative years omissions, including my indelible father/motorcycle experience on that pre-pubescent year.


Beware, pity/sympathy are unnecessary as I am one accustomed to a wide range of Christmas celebrations. In fact, being alone is less uncomfortable as I find all celebrations temporal. What most often follows are struggles at regaining lost equilibrium, and I accept being very unfamiliar with the ‘celebrated’ Christmas social gathering sensibilities.


I am quite enamoured each year as society ramps up to celebrate the Holidays of Its many Faiths, sharing in their meaningfulness according to their predilections. Hence, whatever ‘your’ Faith, I bid you enjoy in your celebrations knowing I do as well, according to my comprehensions.

As one noteworthy historic figure penned through one of his notable characters, “God Bless us Everyone.”







There are many men out there, women too, causally choosing a solitary life-styling going forward, living mindfully once fully accepting/embracing their condition.


I have lived my life according to unconscious intrinsic values for some time. Always in a flux, modifying my actions in response to the requests of others without taking the time to process the after-effect on my living conditions. My sole concern has always been to fulfill the task at hand as requested.


Losing my wallet recently, it being the icing on the cake of a mindful behaviour, I became painfully aware of my below-the-radar ADHB(D)/OCB(D)/Dyslexia functioning. I was one of the many who slipped through the cracks before current labelling practices and became an effective contributor within society. Able to develop skill-sets that served/benefitted the societal framework without unduly burdening the infrastructure of our evolving system and world view.


What is occurring in today’s world is indicative of a distinctive shift where one’s innate abilities, under scrutiny, faces unnecessary challenges with our concept of Reality hanging in the balance.



9. Road to Enlightenment



Saturday, 19:02hrs, changing from my outdoor attire into my lounging attire for the evening, a thought strolled through my consciousness that went something like this:


“Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to have a companion to share a comfortable dwelling? Many have suggested just such an idea, and I engaged myself with the sensation of imagining that scenario. However, this balancing thought followed; me having to endure the idiosyncrasies that hopefully, to say the least, were compatible.


Then, there was this notion of what many deem the ‘honeymoon’ phase, which I dubbed the ‘immunization’ phase! It then became clear that that was in fact what it was!


During each of those ‘passionate’ embraces, the heat-of-passion whose raised temperature insertions were mere euphemistic immunization injections! The swapping-of-spit with health benefits, in preparation for offspring(s) down the road.”


Oh, what a Life this is!




12c. Once Was

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